


Hard To Love

by SapphireEyes23



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Doctor Cain, Doctor Sam Winchester, M/M, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Sick Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-06
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-04-19 10:44:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 25,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14235564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphireEyes23/pseuds/SapphireEyes23
Summary: Taking the next step in life proves difficult for Cas and Dean as Dean gets fully absorbed by taking over the shop and fails to realize that his marriage and husband are suffering.





	1. How Did It Get This Bad?

Deans been a jerk lately. Working extra-long hours at the shop after Bobby took some time off for his back to heal which somehow turned into permanent retirement. Ellens’ tough love won out over his gruff stubbornness. She made it clear there was no room for argument after this most recent accident and injury Bobby was not to move one foot without her say so.

 

When Bobby first went out just to heal, Dean picked up the slack with the understanding that it was only temporary. Cas knew the extra stress for a week or two would have an effect but he just wished that Dean would talk to him. That’s what people who are married to each other do, they lean on each other when stressed out and overworked. Not Dean, he always felt like he had to do it on his own and never mumble or grumble.

 

“Alright Dean I’m heading home, and you should too, that paperwork will still be here in the morning.” Dean rolled his eyes and looked up at Charlie wondering how she was still somehow bubbly at 10 pm. 

 

“Charlie its gotta get done, and I have a full schedule tomorrow. Unless you’re going to be the one to explain to Ellen how we let the business tank.” Dean practically growled out his frustration. He hated keeping books and paperwork. He belonged under the hood of whatever car needed him the most. Numbers were never his thing but now he had to keep up both sides of the business.

 

“Yea, its gotta get done, no one said it had to be _you_ that did it ya know……” Charlie called out over her shoulder as she picked up her jacket before heading for the door.

 

Dean wiped his hand down his face and sighed, staring down at the numbers they might as well have been written in a foreign language.

By the time he finally went home the house was dark. There was a note on the refrigerator telling him there was a plate waiting for him. Dean peaked into their bedroom, Cas had been curled up in bed for at least an hour or two, his book still resting on his chest. he could only wait up for so long.

After two weeks went by, it was obvious that Bobby was not coming back to the business and was essentially giving it to Dean. Dean shouldered all of the responsibility trying to do it all on his own and while the business not only survived but gained success, his marriage was suffering. It was becoming clear to everyone at their Sunday dinners the Cas had taken all he could, and Dean was oblivious because he was either working or sleeping.

************************

 

“Hey nice to see you, stranger.” Jess bumped shoulders with Dean when he walked in the door, he hadn’t been to a Sunday dinner since he’d taken over the business, often using his Sundays to do the books or catch up on cars that needed work.

“You see me all the time Jess, in fact, I saw you two days ago when you came by the shop for an oil change.” Dean walked through the living room trying to get peek in the kitchen.

“So whats for dinner? Did my favorite sister-in-law happen to make me a pie for dessert?” Dean knew it was a long shot, no one had a clue that he was coming, Cas even looked a little shocked when he walked through the door.

Cas only gave him a slight smile and went back to his discussion with Charlie. Dean kind of felt bad for it, normally at this point he’d have his arms wrapped around Cas and they would be practically making out just to say hello. Everyone always said they were sickeningly sweet in love, although he hadn’t heard that comment in a while. “No I didn’t make you a pie, I made peanut butter & Jelly cookies for Cas cause they’re his favorite and he’s had a hard week.” Jess slapped Deans hand away from the tray stacked with cookies preventing him from snatching a few.

Dean noticed that Sunday dinner was the same yet somewhat not. There wasn’t as much laughter and nowhere near the jokes that had been before. Cas was unusually quiet and he looked exhausted, maybe Cas had a bad night or something was going on with his latest creation, or wildflower garden and hives he kept in the backyard. He always did get stressed out over his honey production and his flowers. The bees were supposed to be his stress relief and busy work to occupy his mind when writing wasn't flowing. Couldn’t be that bad if he hadn’t mentioned it, Dean thought.

After dinner while Charlie was debating with Jess and Cas about what the movie of the week should be, Sam cornered Dean in the kitchen. “Dude, what’s going on with you and Cas?” The raised eyebrows a clear sign of true concern. “What are you talking about we’re fine Sammy.” Dean shrugged and turned his back while grabbing yet another beer out of the fridge.

“You’re clearly not fine, you two barely have said two words to each other all night. Not to mention that you’re not sickeningly sweet and adorable like you two usually are.” Sam tried to keep his voice down but the look he gave his brother was broadcasting his worry. “We’re fine, I’ve just been tired that’s all. Besides we cant all be in perpetual puppy love, like you and Jess.” Sam rolled his eyes, clearly, his brother was trying to deflect the real issue.

“That’s not the point Dean, I was talking to Charlie and she said you are barely gone from the shop long enough to sleep and _maybe_ take a shower. Although you do that at work most of the time.” Dean pinched the bridge of his nose at the statement, clearly, Sam was not letting this go.

“Really, you’ve been talking to Charlie about me? Like you don’t have enough going on in your own life” Sam rolled his eyes but continued. “Yea Dean we’ve been talking about you, only because we’re concerned. You’re working like it’s the source of your oxygen and with everything, Cas is going through we worry.” Sam leaned back against the counter and just waited.

“Everything that Cas is going through? What are you talking about?” Dean took a step towards the kitchen door to peek in the living room. Was there something that he had missed? Yea Cas looked a little more tired than usual…

“Dean he’s….” Sam was interrupted by Charlie’s triumphant cheers from the living room. “And that’s how the war was won bitches!!!” Charlie skipped into the kitchen to start some popcorn for her movie.

“Hey Charlie, can I ask you something?” Deans voice was unusually soft and unsure. “Yea sure boss whats up?” Charlie leaned on the counter next to Sam while grabbing up one of the leftover cookies. “Whats going on with Cas?” Dean couldn’t hide the guilt of realizing he’d been so caught up in keeping the shop going he had no clue what was happening with his own husband.

“I’m not touching that one with a ten-foot pole. She popped open the microwave and pulled out the second bag so she could fill the massive bowl in her arms and strolled out of the kitchen.

“Dean you need to talk to him, sooner rather than later.” Sam walked out of the kitchen behind Charlie. The tone of Sams' voice told Dean that this was not just some simple temporary problem.


	2. Down The Rabbit Hole

 

**_2 Weeks Ago_ **

 

“Castiel Winchester?” The nurse was standing by the doors holding a clipboard as her eyes roamed around the room looking for her next patient.

 

Cas hesitantly rose to his feet to approach her. After the basic check on all his vitals the nurse led him to small room with a few chairs, a bed and a computer. “Alright darlin’, just have a seat here and the doctor will be here in a few minutes.” She slipped the clipboard in the slot on the door and closed it on her way out.

 

Cas eyes darted around the room, the only sound to break the silence was the sound of his own breathing. He wished Dean could be here with him, but he knew the amount of pressure Dean was under. There was no way that he could add to his problems. After all, the results could come back negative and then he would have added more stress to him for nothing. No it would be better for everyone if no one knew until he was certain that there was something to worry about.

 

 The door opened stirring him from his thoughts. Sam stepped in, “Hey Cas.” The slight smile on his face to steel his nerves. “how are you feeling? Doesn’t look like you’re getting much sleep.” Sam tried his best to keep his professional manner but this was his brother-in-law, this was Cas.

 

“I think its you that should be telling me how I am doing Sam.” Cas responded dryly, hoping a bit of humor could bring some levity to such a tense situation. Sams’ lips twitched into a slight smile for a moment. He appreciated the attempt but still had to maintain some professionalism. “I still don’t like that Dean has no clue that you’re here. What does he think has been going with you for these past couple weeks?”

 

Castiel shrugged at the question. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but he hasn’t exactly been around enough to notice. If it doesn’t involve running the shop, right now its not a top priority for him.” Cas gave his answer in a matter-of-fact sort of way, the hurt in his voice was still there. His husband had once been caring, doting and present, but ever since he took over the shop, he’d been a ghost in the house, only coming home hours after Castiel had gone to sleep, always seeming to be up and out the door before Cas could get out of the shower in the morning.

 

“We both know that’s not true, he would go to the ends of the earth for you Cas. Dean adores you, he acts like you practically created the suns, stars, and the moon and you know that.” Sams heart was breaking little by little as he watched Cas resign himself to dealing with this situation on his own.

 

“Do I really Sam? It was you that noticed I hadn’t been eating, it was you that noticed I was always tired and you only see me on the weekends at Sunday dinner. So I think its clear at this point where his priorities are right now.” The anger and frustration was boiling to the surface as Cas took a deep breath to keep himself in control.

 

Castiel knew that Sam was only arguing out of concern. He was worried and being sworn to secrecy only made this harder. “Okay so this is what we’re going to do, since you have a stack of symptoms that could mean a plethora of things, I’m going to start running tests. First I want to rule out all the big bads and work from there.”

 

Sams professional persona slipped back into place while he wrote down which tests he need to draw blood for. “Just Cas can you at least promise me you’ll consider talking to Dean about this? Just give him a chance. I know he’s stressed out about work, but he’d never want you to have to go through something like this alone.” Sam nodded and gripped Cas hand before he stood up to walk out of the room. He was understandably tense, he hated keeping things from his brother, especially something that had the potential to be life changing.

 

The nurse popped her head back in the door winking at Cas in the process. “You ready darling? Looks like I get to stick you with a needle.” Her eye brows danced in a suggestive way that made Cas skin crawl. “So do you have a preference? Left or Right arm? Or are you one of those people who prefer the hand?” She was setting up her tray with a number of tubes each marked with a distinct colored cap and all the necessary labels.

 

“Umm… I always hate having my blood drawn…who in their right mind chooses their hands?? Whatever let’s go with left arm since its closest to you. I just want to get this over with and go home, I’ve got some things I need to get done today.”

 

**************************

 

On the drive home, Castiel contemplated what Sam had asked of him. He knew it wasn’t fair to Sam to keep this a secret. Cas used the Bluetooth to dial Deans cell, he can tell him over dinner, if he can get Dean to come home.

 

“Hey Cas, I’m about elbow deep in this engine rebuild what’s up.” Deans voice was muffled meaning he had the phone pinned between his shoulder and ear probably still using the ratchet Cas could hear in the background.

“I wont take up your time, I was just hoping that I’d get to see you for dinner tonight. I could make burgers…… maybe if I have enough time a pie.” Cas tried to keep his expectations low, no point in getting his hopes up for them just to be shot down.

 

“That sounds amazing babe, burgers would be great, I only have this engine to work on and paperwork to get through so I shouldn’t be late tonight.” Dean was grunting as he spoke clearly tightening something. Then there was a sound and Dean practically dropped the phone. “Oh crap gotta go babe.”

 

Cas didn’t even get a chance to say bye before the line disconnected. He didn’t care, he was practically vibrating with hope as he detoured to the store for all the ingredients he needed. He even decided to spring for the organic cherries for his signature cherry berry pie, this would be their first dinner eaten together in weeks and he was going to make sure that it was perfect.

 

Cas spent that entire afternoon and early evening dancing around the kitchen to his own music mix. He took special care making sure the burgers were perfectly seasoned, and the fries were at the right point of crisp. He had spent the most time creating artwork in the top crust of the pie, carving shapes of bumblebees and flowers in the crust. He had it perfectly timed out that Dean would be getting home just as the burgers finished cooking and the pie would be ready shortly after.

 

Dinner was ready, Cas had a couple beers on the table waiting, and he changed into those jeans that Dean always said hugged his hips just right.

 

When the timer for the pie went off, Cas didn’t let himself lose hope, so Dean was a little late, he said he’d be home for dinner. After Cas checked his phone for the 5th time. He had been waiting for 2 hours, no missed phone calls, no messages. Cas finally gave in and ate his food, drank his beer and got ready for bed. He plated Deans food and placed it in the refrigerator. At least whenever he gets home he can have something nice to eat.

 

Cas wrote Dean a small note and stuck it on the fridge so he would find it. This was starting to become their norm. Cas would cook dinner, wait for Dean, eventually give in and eat alone and go to bed. He always left Dean a note on the fridge and a plate inside.

 

Cas curled in his bed, the other side was too often empty and cold for him to not feel as though a part of him was missing and now something might seriously be wrong with him. He needed to talk but Dean was clearly too busy for him. He decided on the only other person he knew wouldn’t mind a late night conversation, but calling this late would be rude.

 

 **Cas:** _Hey Charlie, you busy?_

 **Charlie:** _Never too busy for my bestie whats up?_

 **Cas:** _How are things going with you and Gilda?_

 **Charlie:** _We’re great, but I know that’s not the reason you’re messaging me. Whats up? Get another embarrassing computer virus?_

 **Cas:** _NO_

**Cas:** _Anyway, I just needed someone to talk to and well, Deans preoccupied right now_

**Charlie:** _Im sorry Cas, ok Im here tell me all about it._

**Cas:** _Well, I haven’t been feeling that great these last couple weeks, but I just figured everybody gets tired sometimes and I probably just have a cold._

**Charlie:** _Aww poor Cas do you need me to come sit with you? If you’re sick, you need soup. Lucky for you Deans a great cook._

**Cas:** _No you don’t need to come sit with me._

 **Cas:** _Anyway, after Sunday dinner I asked Sam to send in a prescription for some strong cold meds, but after hearing my symptoms, he wouldn’t._

 **Charlie:** _Well that’s weird, but he’s the doctor so he knows best_

 **Cas:** _Yea well, he said what I was describing wasn’t a cold so he had me come see him in the office today._

**Charlie:** _oh god Cas are you alright??!?_

**Cas:** _Yes, well…..Sam is running tests to rule out the big things. Please don’t tell Dean._

 **Charlie:** _What?!?_

 **Charlie:** _Dean doesn’t know? But he see’s you’re not well right? I mean no offense but you’ve been looking kinda crappy lately._

 **Cas:** _Dean has been busy with the shop, I’m not going to bother him with this until I know whats wrong._

 **Charlie:** _I don’t like this but I will keep quiet._

 **Cas:** _Thank you Charlie._


	3. Eyes Wide Shut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping you guys are liking this, any comments and thoughts are totally welcome. I'm getting close to finals in school so I will update as I am able but dont worry I dont plan on taking too long between chapters.

Deans alarm clock went off at god awful early as was his usual. He tried his best not to wake Cas when he got up for work in the mornings but he just couldn’t help giving him a kiss goodbye. The only difference was today Cas didn’t stir like he usually did. Instead of the normal body shift and eventual wake-up, he grimaced and rolled away like he had just been poked in his face by an offensive tree branch.

Dean tried not to read too much into it, Cas had been really tired lately, no doubt due to his daily early wakeups.  He went about his daily routine, making a stop to pick up his morning infusion of caffeine and today Dean even went as far as picking up some donuts and bagels for everyone at the shop. 

“Morning boss!!” Charlie was her normal ball of energy, but even with a truckload of coffee Dean couldn’t fathom how anybody could be so happy in the morning.  “Hey Charlie, what’s our schedule looking like for today?” Dean shuffled past her placing the box of baked goods on the desk behind her so everyone could see it when they walked in. Charlie started going over the not too bad schedule, Dean was somewhat listening as he placed his jacket and bag in his office, starting up his computer to get a visual of who’s working today and read along with Charlies’ list of the days' tasks.

“…..meeting with the police chief at 5” popped out of the white noise that had become Charlies’ voice for a moment there.

“Excuse me…police chief? What?? Did I miss something between last night and this morning?” Dean almost choked on his coffee. He did a quick mental check trying to think if he’d done anything to warrant such a visit.  He’d kept all the paperwork in order, made sure to file all the correct papers when he took over the business from Bobby. Was he in trouble??

“Ugh, I knew you weren’t listening, finish your coffee and have a donut before we talk about it. You’re not really present until you’re properly caffeinated and had some sugar first thing in the morning, worse than a teenager.” Charlie called over her shoulder not so subtly rolling her eyes.

A 5 o’clock meeting meant another late night. He’d have to put off finishing the paperwork until after just to make sure he didn’t miss anything. Dean made a mental note to let Cas know that he wouldn’t be making dinner, so he should go ahead and eat without him. Which now that he thinks about it…. had been happening a lot lately. He shrugged, at least this time he was giving him notice instead of having Cas probably wait around. Cas could appreciate the heads up this time at least.

*******

Cas was sitting in the waiting room when his phone buzzed. He didn’t bother to look and see who it was, right now he had more important things to be concerned about. Right now he was waiting for his appointment with Sam to get those test results. Castiel had told himself before it was just a cold and he’d get over it but it had been weeks and instead of getting better he was getting worse. The permanent circles under his eyes, constant exhausted feeling, and the overall just crappy feeling wouldn’t seem to go away.

 

“Castiel?” The same sassy brunette nurse called his name. He followed her back almost on autopilot. His mind was going over every possible illness it could be. Some were worse than others, some that popped into his head were practically impossible but it would be his luck to be that one-in-a-million case you always hear about.

 

“Just have a seat and the doctor will be in to see you shortly.” She took in his overly haggard appearance and her hard shell broke a little. “You can lay down as well if you’d like.” She sauntered out the room putting the clipboard in the slot on the door.

 

Castiel decided he’d rather be sitting when he got whatever news was coming to him. Luckily Sam didn’t make him wait too long. “Hey Cas.” Sam popped his head in the door.” You’re my last patient before lunch. What do you say we take this appointment on the road and get you a good meal? My treat?” Sam didn’t wait for an answer he turned and headed for his office, presumably to grab his jacket.  

 

Cas walked into the waiting room feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders. Clearly, Sam was taking him out for his last meal, this was it whatever he had was terminal and he only had a matter of days left. Cas was sure of it.

 

“Ready? Are we taking my car or yours?” Sam walked out from the back with a smile on his face. They ended up in Sams car since he already knew where he wanted to go. The ride was quiet and awkward, to say the least. Sam seemed to be oblivious to Cas’ inner turmoil.  Every worse case scenario was playing through Cas’ mind, including this being a trap and Sam was just driving him out of town to be put down like an unwanted pet.

 

When they pulled up to Joe’s Crab Shack, Cas was shocked. This was Castiels' favorite place to eat but he rarely got to come because Dean wasn’t a big seafood fan and Sam rarely ate anything that didn’t involve kale or grains of some kind. This had to mean seriously bad news.

 

After they were seated and the waiter brought their drinks Sam looked like he was going to vibrate out of his seat with information. “Ok Cas, let me put you out of your misery, I can see that you won't enjoy this meal if I wait until the end. First, let me tell you that you tested negative for all the big bads. No cancers, no Ebola, no pneumonia. So you can breathe. This isn’t a final meal or something.”

Cas let go of a breath he’d been holding for far too long at this point. “ Ok so you’ve told me what it is not but you also haven’t said that I’m perfectly fine…. So are you going to give me the bad news or do I have to wait for dessert?” Cas was relieved that he wasn’t being given a death sentence but on edge with what possibilities were left.

“Enjoy your lunch. We can head back to the office after this, I want to run some other tests and make a few phone calls. I want to be positive before I give you anything to worry about. Then you are coming to dinner at my house, I know Jess has been dying to dote on you. We can talk about the rest of this then. I just wanted you to get a little special treatment today.” Sam tried to sound upbeat hoping Cas knowing he wasn’t dying today would help with the news he had yet to deliver.

 

*******

 

Dean walked in the house floating high in the clouds. He was beyond excited to be home before the sun went down. The meeting with the police chief had gone amazingly well. Apparently, he had fixed a car for the police chiefs son-in-law and had done such a good job between the car and customer service that on his recommendation alone they decided to give the shop the contract to fix all the police cruisers for the city.  Yea it would mean more work, but it was a sign that he was doing something right. He'd hire a few more people and it would all work out.

 

“Babe I’m home!!! I’ve got some amazing news about the shop!!” Dean called out as he walked through the door. Only then did he notice that the house was quiet, almost too quiet, leave it to his Cas to get caught up writing in his study to even hear Dean come in the door. He glanced in the kitchen, it didn’t look like Cas had started on dinner maybe they could go out to celebrate and spend some much needed time together.

 

Dean made his way up the stairs and pushed the door to the study. “Cas, sweetheart you in here?” The computer was off and the room was dark. Dean closed the door and decided Cas probably was on a run to the store. Dean grabbed a beer and plopped on the couch to wait.

 

More worn out than he’d realized he passed out within minutes. The next time he opened his eyes the clock on the cable box read 12:25. He was laid out on the couch with a blanket draped over him, his boots in their place by the door and a pillow tucked under his head.

 

He managed to peel himself off the couch and trudge up the stairs to his bed. When he finally got on some pjs and slid into the bed Dean noticed that Cas had fallen asleep with a book on his chest yet again. He picked it up to move it to the nightstand when a small pamphlet slipped out the back. Dean glanced at it assuming it was just a makeshift bookmark.

 

There was a name number and time scribbled at the bottom. Cas must’ve used it to right down some appointment or something. It was only after he placed the book on the bed side table and closed his eyes did his brain process that the top of the pamphlet was for the Mayo Clinic.

 


	4. Spiral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deans still a bit of an idiot

Dean drifted back to sleep with the assumption that Cas just happened to use that paper to write on, and had _nothing_ to do with why Sam had been on his case lately. If there was something up, Cas would tell him. His subconscious, however, had a different stance. His dreams were filled with scenarios and situations that had him making a heroic run through a hospital while Cas lay dying in desperate need of a rare item Dean had gone across the world to find. The next dream had Dean watching Cas slowly fade like an old picture and no one else seemed to remember him but Dean. Easy to say Dean woke up less than rested, he rolled over hoping for some cuddle time as he had already told Charlie he was coming in late today.

 

He twisted and swung his arm over expecting to make contact with a warm body, the cold space he found was much of a disappointment.  It was unusual for Castiel to be a morning person, _that’s one of the perks of being a writer Dean_. So where had his adorable husband gone? Flashbacks from his dreams had him wondering if he made up the whole thing. The book was no longer on the nightstand and the blanket he dragged in with him was also gone. Maybe he shouldn’t fall asleep watching Dr. Sexy anymore, clearly his imagination was playing tricks on him.

 

Dean got up, hopped in the shower and got ready to start his day. As he walked out to the kitchen, he could hear Cas on the phone clearly talking low enough he didn’t intend to be heard.

 

“ _Yes, I know..I know I’ll begin monitoring it immediately. I appreciate you doing this for me its such a big deal. No he doesn’t know. I’m not ready to tell him. I’ll just tell him that I’m going to a convention or a conference. I’m leaving tomorrow, yes I know its only because you love me.”_

 Dean couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Was Cas cheating? Although Dean couldn’t blame him, Castiel was always too good for him. Dean started to wonder if Sam knew and he was pushing him to be better in the hopes that Cas wouldn’t leave. Of course Cas would leave, everybody left Dean eventually.

 

After steeling himself to hide his emotions, Dean made a show of humming and stomping down the stairs so Cas would definitely hear him coming, wouldn’t want to interrupt the rendezvous he was clearly planning.

 

“Morning babe” Cas turned to Dean with a big smile. Dean noticed that he looked wornout, before at dinner when Sam pointed it out Cas looked like he just needed a good nights rest, now he looks ragged but puffy. Castiel had taken to wearing more and more of Deans sweats and no shoes today, that was weird for him. He’d always worn his normal slacks dress socks and some sensible slip ons with an adorable argyle vest or sweater even though he didn’t have to look so professional working at home.

 

“Hey Cas, I missed you last night. I got home with some good news about the shop and you weren’t here.” Dean tried to sound inconspicuous, but he couldn’t help but wonder if his husband had been out on a date.

 

“Oh honeybee I didn’t know you would be home so I went to have dinner with Sam & Jess. Sam is trying to soothe Jess’ case of baby rabies by having her dote on me. I highly doubt it’ll work but I wont argue with fresh baked cookies and pampering.” Cas chuckled and shook his head. He was in the process of making oatmeal for breakfast although instead of his typical bananas, Dean noticed he was adding apples.

 

They both knew Sam was not going to win the battle this time, he had already convinced Jess once before that they were not ready. There was no way she would be swayed to his opinon a second time.

“Ha, Sammy is so screwed, he might as well pick out a crib and start painting the nursery.” Dean chuckled while he started filling his thermos full of coffee.

 

“That’s what I told him, but he’s in denial and like I said fresh baked cookies.” Cas shrugged, everybody knew that pb&j cookies were his weakness. If you offered those in payment Castiel could never say no.

 

“So, I have to go in today but I think I’m going to take the weekend off. The shop is doing great and I need a break.” Dean kept his back to his husband, he didn’t want to see the look on Castiels face while he worked out the lie in his head.

 

“Oh honey, I wish you had told me sooner, I just agreed to speak at a convention in New York, you know how my publisher has been hounding me to be more……” Cas gestured in the air trying to find the right word that didn’t make him sound robotic. “..personable.”

 

“Oh okay, then I guess I’ll just hang out with Jess, help her figure out what color she’s painting the nursery, maybe convince her to give it a classic car theme. If I want to be the favorite uncle I gotta get a head start.” 

 

The shift in Deans demeanor didn’t go unnoticed by Cas, he felt horrible knowing he was the reason behind the shift.

 

***

“Hey Boss, sleep in or get you some morning lovin from that handsome hubby of yours?” Charlie’s eyebrows danced suggestively as she looked up from her computer.

Dean walked into the shop on autopilot, he breezed pass Charlie like she wasn’t even there.

“Dean?” She followed him into his office and shut the door. “Earth to Dean” She tried again this time waving a hand in front of his face snapping him out of his zombie state.

 

“huh? Oh hey Charlie.” Deans eyes barely focused on hers and she instantly knew that look, he was spiraling. That meant Cas either still hadn’t told him, or hadn’t told him everything. Either way this could only end up bad if it wasn’t fixed.

 

“Okay I know that look, its the same look you had after you and Cassie broke up, and after you were so convinced Lisa was cheating so you just ended it. Whats goin on, spill” Charlie folded her arms across her chest and perched in the middle of Deans desk preventing him from escaping into his computer.

 

“He’s leaving.” Dean barely said above a whisper. “There’s someone else and he’s leaving me.” Dean hadn’t said the words out loud but they were on an endless loop in his mind.  His whole body started to shake with tears he hadn’t realized were falling.

 

“That’s insane, Cas loves you almost as much as you love baby, be real.” Charlie tried but couldn’t resist the urge to smack Dean upside the head.

 

“It’s true, I heard him on the phone this morning, they’re meeting up for some getaway this weekend.” Charlie’s heart began to break, she knew exactly what Dean had heard, she was yelling at Cas for going to see the out of state specialist on his own.

 

She was sworn to secrecy but watching Dean fall apart in front of her eyes broke her resolve. She couldn’t let him fall apart like this, knowing the only reason Cas kept him in the dark was a failed attempt to keep from stressing him.

Charlie turned very serious and made Deans eyes focus on hers.

 

“Dean, Cas is not cheating on you. He was talking to me this morning. He’ll probably kill me for telling you this but, you deserve to know. Not knowing is hurting you more than knowing and he was just trying to spare you the stress sense you’ve been so freaked out about running the shop.” Charlies eyes had softened during her speech. The internal struggle between keeping a secret and helping someone she saw as a brother.

 

“Dean, Cas isn’t cheating on you, he’s sick.”


	5. The Cat is out of the Bag, Now What

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conversation that was a long time coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are liking this, I'm trying not to make it too angsty but its gonna get worse before it gets better. Remeber comments are always welcome :-)

“Sick? A cold doesn’t make people keep secrets and have weekend getaways, Char, you don’t have to lie for him its ok. I knew it was only a matter of time before he wised up and decided he deserved someone better than me.” Dean was so quick to degrade himself he hadn’t even really put any thought to what Charlie had told him.

 

“No Dean, I mean like really sick, like that weekend getaway is him flying to see an out of state specialist sick. When are you going to get it through your thick head Winchester, that man loves you. He thinks that by not telling you he is protecting you but I think that’s bull. Sam and I have been arguing with him about telling you.” Charlie sat back on the desk feeling guilty at having kept the secret from him for so long.

 

“Sam? Sam knows too? Well, what is it, Charlie? What is it that apparently everyone knows about my husband that no one felt the need to tell me??” Dean was starting to let his anger overtake his concern. Cas was his husband if anyone was supposed to be the keeper of his secrets it should be Dean, not Charlie and definitely not Sam.

 

“After Sam noticed he wasn’t looking too hot and figured out it wasn’t a cold, Cas swore us to secrecy. He said you were already so stressed out running the shop, that he couldn’t add to that. He did promise to tell you once there was a definite diagnosis, which happened last week.” Charlie tried to focus on anything except the glare Dean was giving her. Feeling like a small child under the scrutiny of a disapproving parent.

 

“Last week? So then you know what it is?! Is he dying Char? Oh God that’s it, he’s dying and I was too busy with the shop to even notice, what kind of terrible husband am I Charlie? How did I not notice that he needed me??” Deans questions came out like a rapid-fire slowly losing intensity as his voice cracked and gave way to raw emotion and tears.

 

“He’s not dying, at least from what he’s told me he is not dying. What I do know is that Sam apparently somehow went to school with the best specialist in the country, and the guy is doing this as a favor and completely pro bono so…he will be fine.” Charlie decided to finally sit in the chair beside Deans desk.

 

Finally getting over the initial shock of the news, Dean took a second to let everything process. This is what Sammy had been trying to tell him that day at Sunday dinner, there was something wrong with his husband and he couldn’t stop to notice.

 

Dean couldn’t stay at work, he had to go home. “Charlie I need to go home, I’m sure you guys can handle the shop for a few hours without me. Have one of the guys take over my appointments for while I’m gone?” Dean stood up and put his jacket back on, clearly, he had been neglecting the most important part of his life and needed to make a change immediately.

 

“A few hours? If you come back today, I will freeze all of your accounts and put a virus on your computer. I’ll see you at Sunday dinner Winchester and not a moment before. Go home and spoil that man like he deserves.” There was a real threat behind those words, Charlie was always a tech wizard. She could do that and so much more if you got on her bad side.

 

“Alright Char, I’ll see you Sunday.” Dean walked out the door with a smirk on his face, tough love was always their way to show they cared. He didn’t know what he would do without a friend like Charlie.

 

*******

 

On the way home, Dean picked up a few things for Cas sunflowers, his favorite organic grape jelly and a bottle of wine to enjoy with dinner.

 

When he pulled up to the house he steeled himself for the conversation ahead. Charlie had only told him that Cas was sick, she hadn’t said what actually was going on. Dean walked in the door trying to stay quiet, a nice surprise lunch and flowers were way less than what Castiel deserved but it was a start to the endless doting that Dean would be doing from this point forward. He peaked into the bedroom to see if Cas was there, only to find a half packed suitcase on the bed.

 

Sneaking to the study, Dean crept in the door letting the sunflowers lead the way. Cas nearly jumped out of his seat when a bouquet of sunflowers suddenly crowded his view. “What in the world…” Cas turned around to grab the flowers out of Deans hands. “Dean, what are you doing home? I figured you’d be at the shop until late.” Cas was happy to see Dean home so early but confused at the same time.  

 

“Well....I’m home because after some tough love and a smack to the head, Charlie helped me realize how shitty of a husband I’ve been lately and I really need to make it up to you and be there for you.” Dean spoke gently as he stood Cas up and wrapped his arms around his waist.

“You’ve been talking to Charlie. What exactly prompted such a conversation.” Not that Cas didn’t appreciate the new attention being given, he just knew his best friend, she had to fix things, always.

 “Well, lets go downstairs, why don’t you let me make you a peanut butter and jelly with that organic grape jelly you like from the farm to table shop in town and we can talk over lunch?” Dean was whispering and slowly shuffling his feet backwards drawing Castiel with him out of the room and towards the stairs.

 

*******

 

Once downstairs, Cas headed for the pantry to grab the necessary items. “No, you go have a seat Cas. I think I can manage to put together a sandwich.” Dean ushered Cas to a chair and gave him that million-dollar smile that always made Cas melt. Although the concern in his eyes didn’t escape Castiels attention, Charlie had told Dean something, if not everything.

“So tell me about this conversation between you and Charlie.” Cas tried to keep the mood light, maybe she hadn’t given up the secret and it was something else. Deans shoulders noticeably slumped as he sat the sandwich and a glass of strawberry milk in front of Cas.

“How could you not tell me Cas?” Dean spoke barely above a whisper, not looking up from the table. “I know I haven’t been the husband I should have been lately cause of trying to keep the shop going and I messed up and that’s on me, but how could you not tell me?”

The taste of the pb&j in Cas mouth soured, it's amazing how guilt can turn something delicious into sand. Cas chewed slowly trying to decide his words carefully, he wasn’t ready to talk about it and he knew that wasn’t fair to Dean.

“You were already so stressed out with the shop, barely sleeping as it is. I didn’t want to be a burden to you. At first, I thought it was something trivial like a bug going around so I kept it to myself. Then instead of getting better, I just kept getting worse, I started having back pains, I was tired all the time, nauseous at some points. Then Sam insisted on me getting checked out even for his own peace of mind. I figured at that point I could tell you about it once I had whatever antibiotic I needed and it would be no big deal, but then Sam ran some tests and…” Cas paused for a minute realizing the whole story was coming out like word vomit and he hadn’t given Dean a second to get a word in at all.

 

“ and what Cas? Whats wrong, what has you flying off for the weekend to see a specialist? Charlie only told me because I went to work this morning heartbroken convinced that you were cheating on me. I heard you talking on the phone this morning.“ Deans voice carried a little more conviction, he needed to know and he needed to know how he could help.

 

“Sam ran some tests and made some calls to an old college buddy of his because he wasn’t going to tell me anything unless he was 100% sure what the results meant. One of my kidneys is starting to fail. We thought maybe we could wait for the specialist to come here since we seemed to catch it early but my legs and feet have started to swell so it was decided that I need to get to him for treatment as soon as possible. Meaning this weekend.” Cas said the words and couldn’t bear to look Dean in the eyes, he knew there would be tears and he couldn’t handle that. “I still hadn’t said anything because it just felt like it had been a secret for too long, Dean I….I’m sorry.” The tears hit the table below Cas betraying his unwavering voice.

 

Dean made his way around the table wrapping his arms around Cas’ torso. “Cas, no baby, don’t apologize, I made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me, that’s on me.” Dean knelt down next to Cas’ chair, gently cupped his husbands face planting a gentle kiss on his lips. “We’re going to get through this together. You are whats most important to me. You are what matters.”


	6. Damage Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its taken me so long to update, I'm having a little writers block and I want to make sure the story is perfect for you guys. I hope its up to par for you.

After Charlie watched Dean practically march out of the shop, the first thing she did was pick up the phone. The secret was out; the least she could do was warn Sam that he’d be on the receiving end of Deans wrath sooner rather than later.

 

“Yea Can I speak to Dr. Winchester? Yes, I’ll hold.” Charlie ambled back to her desk and started on her task of rearranging Deans schedule for the next week. Now that he knew, there was no way he’d leave Cas side, or let him take that trip alone. He may be self-degrading, and at times closed off, but when he loved he loved hard and with full dedication. He was meant to be a caretaker. Under all that tough exterior, he was just a big softie.

 

“This is Dr. Winchester..” Sam was slightly hopeful it was the specialist he put Cas in contact with.

“Sam it's me, Charlie.” She kept the phone pinched between her ear and shoulder as she typed up some paperwork.

“Charlie? You don’t normally call me until later, has the argument about what movie to watch this weekend already started?” Sam half chuckled, sometimes deciding the movie turned into all-out war complete with choosing sides before Sunday dinner even happened.

 

“Okay, first of all, you're always on my side Sam, you’re loyal like that, and second… Dean knows.”

There was a heavy silence from the other side of the phone.

 

“What does Dean know?” Sam sighed half grateful not to have to keep up the secrets but he knew Cas, there might be a new lie to follow.

 

“By now? I’m pretty sure he knows everything. He overheard me and Cas talking about his weekend trip to see the specialist and had a meltdown at work thinking Cas was cheating…….”

As Charlie went on to relay the series of events that unfolded earlier that day, Sam could do nothing but roll his eyes at his brothers’ antics. How in the world could Dean think Cas would cheat? Those two idiots were made for each other more than they ever realize.

 

“Alright, Charlie so I’m guessing I should drop off some more of Deans flight meds so that he can go with Cas then?” Sam said it as he was writing out the prescription to hand to a nurse.

 

“I’m sure he would greatly appreciate it. Since you’ll be seeing him today to drop it off, I assume, can you also inform him that he has all of next week off?” Charlie was putting the finishing touches on the new schedule and sending it out to all the employees. No complaints had come back and some were even happy to work the extra hours.

 

“No prob Charlie, I’ll see you at Sunday dinner, and yes I’m always on your side……. as long as your side involves Game of Thrones” Sam chuckled as he headed back to his appointments for the day. At least this was a step in the right direction.

 

**

 

After such a heavy conversation, Dean and Castiel curled up on the couch to watch TV and just hold each other. After some time, it was no surprise that with such a weight lifted off his shoulders Cas drifted off wrapped in his husbands’ arms to the first restful sleep he’d had in a long time.

 

Dean gently slipped his arms from around his husband and decided to take this time to make some phone calls. There was so much he had to do in such a small amount of time. First, he made a call to the airlines, booked a second ticket making sure that he was right next to Cas. The next person on his list to call was Charlie, he had to reach her before she left for the day.

 

“Hey Charlie, so… Cas and I talked and well... I’m taking all of next of next week off of work, Cas needs me..”

“Don’t worry Dean, the second you walked out the door, I cleared your schedule for the entire week, you take care of your blue-eyed angel.” Charlie smirked, she knew her best friend like the back of her hand. She knew he wouldn’t leave his husbands' side during his recovery time.

 

Dean couldn’t help but smile to himself, he didn’t know what he would do without Charlie, the sister he didn’t deserve but couldn’t live without. Next on his list was his brother. He needed to talk to Sam for two reasons, one, if he was going to attempt getting on a plane he needed his brother to put in his anxiety prescription so he could be calm and not be a burden to Cas. Secondly and B he needed to tear Sam a new one for not telling him about Cas and what was going on.

 

Dean moved from the kitchen to the bedroom, hoping that the space between them would keep him from waking Cas up when he started yelling at Sam.

 

“Dr. Winchester.” Sam picked up the phone but barely listened to the voice on the other side. He was preoccupied with nurses filling him in on the most recent test results for his multiple patients as well as which patients needed his immediate attention.

 

“SAM!!! Are you even listening?!?!?!” Deans voice screeched through the phone almost making Sam drop the phone in an effort to save his eardrum.

“Dean? Yea I’m here just give me a second and I’ll call you back.” Sam hung up the phone before he gave his brother a chance to respond. His patients needed his attention but he also needed a second to prepare himself for the screaming that he was about to endure. His guilt over keeping a secret from his brother had already been eating at him, now he would be forced to deal with the anger resulting from that decision.

 

After handling all pertinent issues Sam closed the door to his office a sign to not disturb him. Dean picked up on the first ring. “Sam? Got time to talk finally? Time to explain to me why you felt like I didn’t deserve to know that I might be losing my husband?! That Cas might possibly die?!?!?” Dean hadn’t let Sam get in a single syllable to explain anything.

 

“Dean…..Dean please at least let me answer you before you keep yelling.” Sams' shoulders slumped a little, his guilt all coming to a peak. “Dean, look I couldn’t tell you. Between doctor/patient confidentiality and Cas making me swear not to say anything I couldn’t tell you.”

Sams' voice wavered and broke a little. He was finally relieved that he could talk to Dean about it all.

 

“Dean I can tell you everything I know about what is wrong with Cas, I’ve been researching. I put him in contact with one of the top specialists in the country, he owed me a favor from back in college so it's all pro bono.” Sam started thumbing through the stack of books on his desk, any and every treatment that had to do with the kidneys, a case study file was spread across his desk. If my research is right, we caught it early meaning this isn’t a death sentence, we can get Cas through this. As with any serious illness, the key to survival and recovery is the mentality.”

 

Dean could hear the assured tone of his brothers’ voice, this was something he could do. Cas had kept him out of it so far, but he could be the rock that Cas would need.

 

“I’m gonna stop by tonight and drop off your meds since I assume you’re getting on the plane with Cas tomorrow?” Sam had the prescription in hand and was finishing up his patient file notes for the night.

 

“yea I am Sam, thanks. Look I know I started yelling before you could even get a word out but, you know how it is. If Cas can talk to anyone it should be me ya know?” There was so much more that Dean wanted to say but he was already so drained. He’d pushed himself out of his comfort zone for Cas he wasn’t doing that with Sam too

 

 Cas started to stir as Dean walked back into the room. Dean stroked his fingers through his husbands’ raven hair. “Hey angel, you don’t need to get up. I’m coming with you tomorrow and I’ll be with you all week to help you however you want.” Dean kept his voice soft and gentle hoping Cas wouldn’t fully wake up. He was so obviously worn out, even the smallest of secrets always weighed heavily on his angel.

 

Dean placed a blanket over Castiel and packed his duffle for the trip ahead. He made sure to pack those jeans that are just slightly too tight and always make Cas drool. Then he dug in the closet to find every green shirt he had. Cas always said the color made his eyes sparkle. Anything he could do to make the trip better or easier for Cas, Dean was going to do.

 

Waiting up for his brother to drop off his meds, Dean started to think back on the last couple of weeks, wondering how he could have missed his husband going through something so serious. If he wasn’t getting on a plane in the morning, he would be halfway through a bottle of bourbon with a pie as a second course.

 

Sam knocked on the door gently, figuring that after the day they had Dean, Cas or maybe both would be sleeping. Dean answered the door clearly looking like he needed a drink. Alcohol was always Deans go to for solace, but with Cas needing him to be sober and solid, Dean couldn’t indulge.

 

“Hey Dean, so get this, I found some case studies on Cas’ condition. Things are really on his side. I’m not saying things can’t go bad, I’m just saying he’s more than likely got a really good shot to get past this and be able to live a normal life.”

 

 Sam stayed at the threshold, he didn’t have time to stay all night, Jess needed him home. “Oh also, it's not your same pills but they work just as well but no rebound period.” Sam handed over the prescription bottle and turned to walk away. He felt a renewed hope blossom in his chest, now with Dean in the loop they could get Cas through this.

 


	7. Tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally the first meeting with the doctor

This doctors office was designed to put the patients at ease. Between the super comfy couches with squishy pillows, the soft lighting or the not-so-cheesy elevator music that played through the speakers, you could tell it was made for a peaceful atmosphere. A far cry from the stereotypical sterile office that Cas and Dean were expecting. 

As they sat hand in hand waiting for the doctor to come for them, Deans nerves began to get the best of him.

“Whats taking so long?! I thought this was a special appointment as a favor that Sam set up for us!?” By the time he’d finished the statement, Dean had begun pacing from one end to the next.

“It is Dean, please calm down we’ve only been waiting for 5 minutes.” Even though Cas anxiety was through the roof he somehow managed to be the calm to Deans storm. 

“You’re right babe, here I am freaking out when I should be calming you down. I can tell you’re as freaked out about this as I am.” Dean stopped pacing and knelt down in front of Cas, brushing his hands up and down Cas thighs. 

It was just at this moment that the doctor himself walked into the sitting area. 

“Castiel?” The doctor had a deep smooth voice that was somehow edgy but comforting. He stretched out his hand, shaking with both Dean and Cas as Dean scrambled up off his knees to sit next to Cas.

“So I'm Dr. Mullen but you can call me Cain. I understand you’re here for a confirmation on a diagnosis? “Cain hadn’t glanced down at his notes on Cas situation and all the lab results that had been sent to him by Sam, instead he held eye contact with Castiel.

“Yes, Dr. Mullen…um.. Cain. This is my husband, Dean.” Castiel tried not to fidget but Cain had such intensity in his eyes he must be seeing his soul. “Forgive me but Sam, Dr. Winchester, told me that you were a friend from college? I must admit I was expecting someone……different.” Cas tried to hide the embarrassment at his own statement. 

Cain finally looked down and chuckled. “Yes we are friends from college, I was a guest speaker for a seminar concerning genetic anomalies and hereditary diseases. Sam was a very ambitious student and wouldn’t let me leave until I’d given him every bit of research I had on the subject.” Cain smirked remembering the headstrong med student who seemed determined to heal the world on his own.

“Yea that sounds like the moose.” Dean finally joined the conversation even if only to comment on Sams obsession with research.  
“I became somewhat of a mentor for him from that point forward. We’ve kept in contact since and I have to say he has not disappointed with his progress.” Cain continued with small talk for a moment while he looked over the lab results and notes that were sent to him by Sam the day before.

“So from looking at the lab results, it seems that Dr. Winchester, um Sams diagnosis is correct. Since you have caught it fairly early, you do have a couple options, there is a medication that I can put you on to slow down the progression and in a few cases, it can even solve the underlying issue causing your kidney failure. Another option is dialysis and if we cannot seem to get this under control then we will need to put you on the list to find a compatible donor. “

“A donor?! Like as in for a transplant?!? As in he needs surgery? “Dean seemed to be practically hyperventilating.

“Yes, a transplant. As I said there are a few steps before that so don’t panic. Although it would be wise to be prepared.

Cas looked anywhere but at his husband, his guilt for not sharing his condition earlier was only getting worse, but this was not the time or place for that discussion.

**

After spending the weekend in the hospital for the first round of medication and monitoring, both Dean and Cas were more than happy to finally be home. 

“Home sweet home.” Dean held open the door and assisted Cas to the couch.   
“I can walk you know.” Cas was slightly irritated at how much Dean was coddling him, trying to pretend there wasn’t a problem he could feel the gap between them. but at the same time, he appreciated knowing that his husband cared. 

Dean had been tense ever since the word transplant had been uttered. Cas laid across the couch and watched his husband fuss around in the kitchen making a dinner neither one of them were going to eat. Cas knew this was a way for Dean to work things out in his head before he was ready to talk.

“Its okay to yell at me, I may be a little under the weather but I’m not glass,” Cas yelled over the noise of the mixer and grinder going at the same time.

Dean slammed down the metal bowl in his hands onto the counter. “No its not! You’re…you know what nevermind. We’re out of cream and I need it. I’ll be back.” Dean snatched his leather jacket off the back of a chair and stormed out the door.

**  
“What do you mean you just left?!” 

“Charlie I know! Alright, I know! Leaving was stupid but I couldn't just…” Dean covered his face in his hands, hunched over on the couch while Charlie sat with her arms folded across her chest.

“He’s sick, Cas is sick, and there's nothing I can do about it!!! I'm pissed that he didn’t tell me and I want to yell at him, but you don’t yell at people who are sick!” Dean was somewhere between anger and despair. He held it together for the entire trip, staying strong for his husband but something in him shattered the second they walked in that door. What if one day I come home alone because Cas doesn’t make it? The thought had been on loop all night.

“I cant lose him, and if he can keep something like this from me….then I’ve already started to…I…” Dean trailed off as his voice left him.

Charlie didn’t know the words that her best friend needed, but she could hold him and give him support. 

“You’re not going to lose him, we’re going to get him through this together, all of us. You’re not alone Dean. We’re all going to do our part. All you need to do is be the annoyingly loving, doting husband that we all know you are.” 

Charlie's hand stroked up and down Deans spine as the last few sobs wracked his body. Dean slowly got his tears under control with a soothing deep breath and had a new glint of resolve in his eyes. He would get his husband through this, he had to. 

“Now get off my couch and go home to your angel, he’s probably waiting for you with pie and a Dr.Sexy DVD.” Charlie ushered Dean to the door and gave him one last reassuring hug. 

Dean made a stop to pick up a sunflower for Cas, it couldn’t hurt to apologize with flowers. The drive back to the house seemed way longer than he remembered, guess it takes longer when you’re not speeding. Dean parked in the driveway and could see the glowing light from the TV through the window. Charlie was right, Cas was waiting for him.

Dean walked in the door ready to grovel for his childish behavior but he didn’t see Cas on the couch. Dean went looking for him he came around the corner to see his husbands lifeless body on the steps.

“CAS!!!!!”


	8. Holding Pattern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spending some time in the hospital with Cas

_Sitting on the swings watching a group of children running around with her friends. He looks down and recognizes the Flash Gordon sneakers on his feet. The houses surrounding the playground feel like home._

_“Come on Cas I bet you can’t catch me!!!” The red-headed girl runs around him teasing as she makes her way across the playground. He jumps down to chase after her but somehow not managing to catch up._

_“Come on Cas you can do it!!” She calls out to him._

A voice he barely remembers fades out into white noise

 

“Come on Cas, you can do it, you’re a fighter, you’re strong. Come back to me baby.”

 

Cas slowly starts to fade back into consciousness

 

“I don’t know what to do Charlie!! Its been days he won't wake up…..no…. those files are sealed for a reason!!! Charlie don’t you dare!! They said all we can do is wait, the specialist already flew in.”  Dean took a few centering breaths; Charlie was saying everything to get him to calm him down on the other end of the line. When they finally hung up Dean flung his cell phone against the wall. “Damn it!!!”  Cas could hear his husband falling apart but wasn’t quite in control of his body enough to open his eyes just yet.

 

Dean plopped down in a chair somewhere in the room, the mumbled prayers let him know that Dean was somewhere to his right.

 

Cas summoned every bit of strength in his body and forced his eyes open just a bit. “Dean?” He barely managed to make a sound over the beeping of the many monitors.

 

“Cas?!? Oh, angel, you came back to me…” Dean caressed his husbands face afraid to touch as if he were made of glass.

 

“Always” Cas attempted a smile but his body was weak. Looking into his husbands' eyes he could see so much pain, desperation, and love.

 

It was in this heavy moment that his nurse barged into the room, noticing the change in his vitals she had to check on him.

 

“Oh sweetie you’re awake, thank goodness. If you didn’t wake up soon I was going to have to bring in an extra bed and IV for that husband of yours. He hasn’t left you longer than it takes to use the bathroom and barely ate since we brought you in.”  The nurse was gentle in all of her checks gingerly moving Cas’ limbs in the daily exercises to help with his circulation.

 

“You rest up now, your doctor will be in any moment to check up on you now that you’re awake.” She fluffed the pillows under his head, tucked the blankets around his body and on her way out, she pulled a chocolate pudding out of her pocket with a spoon and handed them to Dean.

 

“That better be empty when I get back” Her tone left no room for no debate, but it was said in love.

 

“Yes ma’am” Dean nodded with a smile on his face. Somehow his 6’1 husband managed to look like a 6yr old boy at that moment.

 

“I’m so glad you’re awake, Cas. I came home that night ready to apologize and I saw you laid out….I thought….it doesn’t matter what I thought, you’re awake now.” Dean placed his hand over Castiels' and gave a slight squeeze finally taking in that Cas had woken up and was still with him.  

 

Shortly after, Dr. Cain came sweeping into the room looking at some labs that had been run earlier and checking the different monitors that surrounded Cas’ bed.

 

“Thought we lost you for a minute there…” Cain actually has a smile on his face trying to bring levity to the seriousness of the situation.

 

“So it seems that medication we gave you is no longer an option. Somehow your body decided to reject it and that increased the rate of deterioration of your kidney. Now I'm not gonna sugar coat it, this does mean we should think about more aggressive measures.”

 

Cain looked at his patient while continuing the conversation about the options they had left before a transplant was their only option. Dean listened as intently as his emotions would let him, but even then all he could hear was transplant and death. He knew that Cain had already submitted Cas for the transplant list, they just weren’t going to tell Cas and cause him to stress.

 

Unknown to Castiel, they did as Cain and Sam insisted when Cas was first brought in and all of their friends had already submitted to testing for compatibility as possible donors. Should it come to that, they would all willingly go under the knife for a dear friend.

 

“So.. a few days huh?” Castiels' first words after Cain left the room. To him it had only been a few minutes, one second he was going upstairs to the bedroom, the next he was lying in a hospital bed hooked up to a billion machines.

 

“yea, its been three days, everybody has come to visit you. I’m sure Sam and Charlie will be back later to drag me away to get food now that you’ve opened your eyes. Jeeze Cas…” Dean let out a breath he’d been holding since Cas had been admitted. His eyes focused on a spot on the wall as the story continued. “I came back to apologize for being a class A jerk and storming out like some drama queen and there you were, just laid out on the stairs. It didn’t even look like you were breathing. I held it together long enough to call 911, I apparently called Sam at some point cause he showed up when the ambulance did.” Cas tried to focus on the words of his husband instead of the broken man that held his hand.

 

“Dean Winchester I told you that pudding ought to be gone. Now you sit down here and eat.” The nurse walked back in with a tray of soup broth for Castiel to attempt. Next to the bowl of soup was a sandwich and chips, no doubt more food she planned to force on Dean.

 

“Yes, Missouri.” Dean twisted to the table behind his chair and retrieved the pudding and spoon taking a big bite.

“Now Castiel sweetie I brought you some broth to sip on. Eat as much as you can and when you’re ready, you’ve got a few people that want to say hello.” Missouri brushed her fingers through Castiels' matted hair after helping him sit up in the bed. “Yes ma’am.” Cas smiled at how easily this woman warmed his heart and at the same time, seems to terrify his ‘fearless’ husband.

 

**

 

It wasn’t until the next day that Castiel let his friends visit, opting to spend his first day conscious being coddled by his husband. Dean needed to feel useful and they needed that time alone.

 

Sam popped in on his lunch break to make sure Jess wasn’t smothering him. Bobby and Ellen came by and dropped off food for him and Dean because according to Ellen “Hospital food is bland crap and you boys need food with flavor.”

 

Charlie was his last visitor of the day coming by in the late afternoon

“Cas buddy how are you feeling today?” Charlie slid into one of the chairs next to his bed. She pulled out some of his favorite novels from her bag along with his laptop. She knew that sick or not, if the urge to write hit, he’d need to get it out somehow.

 

“I’m fine Charlie.” He hadn’t even looked up from the stack of books now covering his tray.

“We both know that’s not exactly true Castiel.” Charlie pulled out her own sketchpad and charcoal pencils. Their time was always spent embracing their artistic sides, not always deep in conversation but peaceful coexistence.

 

“That’s what people say isn’t it? I can’t very well say I’m sure I’m circling the drain because my kidneys hate me and they’ll never find a donor to match me.” Anger and pain were laced in every word. This, the one and only time he spoke his fear out loud, to the one friend he knew wouldn’t think he’d gone off the deep end.

 

“Well, Cas….I guess you’re just gonna have to be like the smartest character in the Harry Potter books and kick it in the ass like Hermione.” Charlie giggled at her statement, this was always an argument between them. She always sided with Hermione and he always said Neville was underappreciated for all he did. The distraction was exactly what her friend needed and even though Cas knew exactly what she was doing. He couldn’t help but be drawn in and away from his own destructive thoughts.


	9. The Results Are In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first few test results start coming in for possible matches.

Being the brother-in-law of one of the most respected doctors in the hospital has its perks. Sam managed to get Cas his own dialysis machine at home along with his favorite nurse doing home visits for every treatment. Although Dean was sure Sam only asked Missouri to do home visits because he saw how much Dean was rattled by her. Cas, however, was enamored with the woman and her motherly tough love.

 

Cas couldn’t shake the dream. After talking about it during one of his treatments Missouri told him it wasn’t unusual to dream when under anesthesia. To Cas it felt more like a memory than a dream, a memory long forgotten.

 

Two weeks passed and although his situation hadn’t gotten any worse, he also hadn’t gotten any better. Cain insisted on coming to Castiel for checkups instead of the other way around. The less stress they put on his body the less likely he was to further degrade his kidney. Plus this also gave Cain and Sam time to hang out without being in the hospital, although they mostly discussed medical cases anyway.

 

“Okay so I’m looking at your labs and I have a couple things to discuss with you.” Cain pulled a file out of his briefcase and set it on the table in front of him. There had to be enough papers that the stack was at least two inches thick. Dean stared in disbelief if this was lab results for one patient. Why didn’t they just issue laptops to all the doctors it had to be cheaper.

“I’ve been comparing the levels of your output with previous weeks and I’m not liking what I’m seeing. Now, I have some options for alternative medicines that we can try to couple along with your dialysis to slow the decline.” Cain pulled out a few pamphlets for different medications that were either alternates and a few experimental ideas.

 

“So I think by now we’ve all accepted that medicine alone is not going to be enough to turn around your situation.” Cain believed it was in the best interest of everyone if he was very frank and honest about what could be on the horizon for Castiel.

 

Sams entire personal immediately switched, you could see him go from brother-in-law Sam to Dr. Winchester. “I think what Dr. Mullen is trying to gently say is that its time to start mentally preparing for surgery to be a strong possibility. We knew this could be a possibility from the beginning.” Sam locked eyes with Dean, he knew his brother wouldn’t take this information well. Dean was doing everything he could to remain strong. As the group continued the discussion of how the next steps of Cas treatments would go, Dean was beginning a mental spiral.

** 

“SURGERY Charlie!!!! Surgery!!!! The meds and dialysis aren’t working to slow down the degradation of his kidney like they hoped.” Dean was at work elbow deep in the engine of a 1959 corvette. Charlie sat on top of a rolling tool chest with a tablet in her hands. “Dean I understand you’re freaked. I’m freaked and I’m not even married to the guy, but we knew this was a strong possibility from the beginning that’s why we all got tested for matched right?” Charlie knew the best thing she could do for her bestie was be a shoulder to lean on and a sympathetic ear. He needed to vent without judgment, even if she couldn’t give her kidney, she could do the next best thing. Find the best possible matches.

 

“Man-up Winchester, he’s going to need you to be strong but here, you can just let it all out. Now I wanted to let you know I got my results back and I’m not a match, but I am working on finding the best possible match out there.” Charlie went back to tinkering on her tablet and let her words sink in as Dean kept working.

 

Charlie was working on a nationwide search, Cas wasn’t a unique blood type, but he did have some rare markers that made her believe that putting him on the transplant list wasn’t going to be enough. She started out first with Cas’ past relationships or friends that he had from his connections as an author, only then did she find a tiny breadcrumb of hope. Cas’ past boyfriend after a very long-winded talk revealed that Castiel had in fact been adopted.

 

Charlie didn’t know that little piece of information, she hadn’t found it odd that Cas never mentioned it because his family life seemed normal. His parents, well, adopted parents, had died of old age, and he had no siblings. Charlie decided to break a promise she’d made to Dean years ago and went back to her hacker ways, just maybe if she can find his original family maybe she can find him a match and add family love to his life.

 

**

Sam paced the halls of the ward while he talked things over with Jess. ”Yes honey, I know that it's not my choice if you donate your kidney or not but I’m not sure that’s a good idea because we want children.” It was clear to anyone who was nearby that this was a conversation that he was losing, spectacularly. Jess on the other end was having this discussion mostly out of consideration for Sam, she was holding the results in her hand and had yet to open them. If she was a match for Cas there would be no hesitation and Sam would just have to deal with whatever consequences or side effects it caused.

 

“Sam, are you telling me that we should put our hypothetical children, that we aren’t ready to have, above the life of a man that literally is the reason Dean is alive?” Jess knew that was a low blow, they all knew how Dean and Cas initially met. No one discussed that point beyond recognizing how Dean practically began to glow.

 

“I know Jess, you’re right, you’re right. I just worry I’ve seen things like this go wrong so many times and I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.” Sam slumped against the wall outside of his patients' room. “I have to go see my patient but please just at least let me know if you’re a match before you go signing away pieces of yourself?” Whatever answer she gave made Sam chuckle as he tucked his cell phone into his pocket.

 

Jess sat at the table staring down the envelope sitting on the kitchen counter. She sipped her tea and thought about what was hanging in the balance. Could she really bargain away her children? Sams words weighed heavily on her as she sat down her mug and ripped open the envelope. She had to know could she help. Jess was sitting tense staring down at the lab results when Sam came home from work.

 

“I’m not a match, I can’t help them. I was ready to risk our future children, I can’t believe I was ready to make such a selfish decision!” After the words finally left her she slumped against the table. “I wasn’t even going to hesitate. Even if you said not to I was going to, now I know I can’t help and I just feel so useless.” Jess mumbled the last of that with her face tucked into her arms.

 

“You’re not useless Jess, just because you can’t be the one to donate for Cas doesn’t mean you can’t be useful. You always have been a good friend to Cas, he loves your cookies and loves it when you dote on him. He needs that smothering love just as much now if not more.” Sam wrapped his arms around his wife and walked her to their bathroom, and prepared a bubble bath for her to relax.

 

“We’re all going to get them through this together. We are a family, and we are there support system. We can be there for them in more ways than donating body parts.” Sam helped Jess pin-up her hair as she slid in the tub.

 

They both felt the weight of the world on their shoulders but at least they wouldn’t have to shoulder it alone.


	10. Spiraling

Slowly the ominous envelopes appeared in everyone’s mailboxes. The test results they all opened them in their own time, weighing what it could really mean for their lives and the life of Cas. When it's all hypothetical of course many answered they’d willingly go under the knife instantly, but when its right in front of your face, when its real. So many other factors become important.

 

Sam and Jess weighed the desire to do anything to keep Cas alive with the potential of risking Jess and the safety of future children. Charlie would be risking her independence and freedom. She had been on her own for years and being a post-transplant donor put too many eyes on her. She’d be tracked and monitored meaning she couldn’t pick up and take off like she tended to do from time to time. Even Cain weighed the options, but his advanced age added an additional danger factor, it was possible he wouldn’t wake up due to complications with the anesthesia.

 

Somehow the only person results that didn’t seem to make it to the destination was Deans. He searched every day after Charlie informed him of her incompatibility but his envelope never came Castiel’s health took a nosedive one afternoon after Missouri left. Dean was making a quick run to pick up some of Castiels' favorite snacks and more of those Sudoku puzzle books he liked.

“Cas!! I’m back I hope you’re still craving these Cheetos, cause if I have to eat them all by myself then I blame you for getting me fat.” Dean was in the kitchen unpacking the bags when he noticed the house was quiet. Any other time he came back in Cas would slowly make his way to Dean for a quick hug and kiss.

“Cas?” Dean strolled up to the bedroom not thinking much of it, he was probably taking a nap after his session, afternoon naps weren’t unusual. The lights were off in the room but he could see the lump under the blankets. Dean decided to toe off his shoes, slip out of his jeans and t-shirt and join his angel. When he slipped into the bed and wrapped his arms around Castiels' midsection he noticed the tremor that seemed to have control of Castiels entire body. Dean trailed his hand up to Cas cheeks and forehead. Cas had a high fever.

“Crap, fever and shakes are not good babe.” Dean jumped up from the bed to snatch his phone off the dresser. These were two symptoms Cain told him to look out for. How long had Cas been like this while he was gone? Maybe he shouldn’t have stopped at the diner for a quick burger and talk with friends.

“Cain? Yea it's...it's Cas… he’s got the shakes and a fever, I just ran out to the store for a second to get him more snacks.. and I came back he was like this….I….I don’t…..okay…..okay…” After his almost incoherent call, Cain was sending an ambulance for Cas, if he spiked a fever, that meant things were getting bad and Cas no longer could stay at home for his care.

 

**

 

Dean sat next to Cas’ prone body in the hospital bed, hooked up to machines surrounding him. His heart slowly started to shatter, he couldn’t lose his husband. He should’ve gone straight home, he didn’t have to stop by the shop, they knew what they were doing. He didn’t have to stop to get a burger either, that was just selfish, he should’ve been focused on Cas not how tired he was, not how he didn’t think he could deal.

“Dean?” Sam came through the door knowing his brother needed someone to talk to. The picture in front of him only reinforced that. Dean’s eyes were puffy and red, his hands constantly wringing themselves as Dean rocked back and forth clearly reliving the moment he found Cas. “Dean” This time Sam was crouched down in front of his brother forcing eye contact. He needed to pull him out of this headspace. Sam was strong but not strong enough to treat Cas and support Dean, thank goodness Jess would be here any minute.

“Sam, its all my fault, I shouldn’t have left him. Maybe if I hadn’t…..Sam what am I going to do I can’t lose him, I owe him so much.” The words barely had sound. Dean’s world was crashing down around him. It was only at this moment he truly realized how much he had taken Cas for granted. He assumed Cas would always be there, and he could leave things unsaid because there would always be time for that later.

“Dean, don’t talk like that, Cas is going to be ok, we’re doing everything we can for him right now. He’s got the best specialist in the country as his personal on-call doctor. We’re scouring the planet for a donor match. What I need from you right now Dean is Jess is coming to get you. I need you to go with her.” Sam kept his tone firm. If he let his own emotions get the best of him now, he wouldn’t be any better than Dean.

 

As is summoned, Jess peeked her head in the door, “I believe I’m here to be the chauffeur for a certain green-eyed prince.” Jess always knew how to diffuse a moment with one comment. Dean left out a snort that could be interpreted as a laugh. “Could’ve been your prince but you married the wrong brother.” Appreciative of the levity a small bit of comedy could bring such a moment Sam rolled his eyes at both of them. Dean stood patting his brother on the shoulder and walked out the door after planting one gentle kiss on Castiels forehead. Dean knew what he had to do.

“So…I’m not taking you back to your house, we both know you’d only get in your precious baby and go harass the people at the shop and they don’t need that.” Jess glanced over at Dean. She knew he wasn’t really listening but she had to fill the silence.

****

_Dean was so proud of himself, he figured out how to fix his Walkman so he could listen to his tapes while he waited for Sam to finish his run. The moose was health obsessed and no matter how much harassment, Dean refused to run with him. “I’ll sit out here and time you, but I’m not running.” Dean absent mindedly started the watch when Sam took off around the track. He was running 3 miles today so he had some time. Luckily there's a bakery across the street._

_Dean strolled across the street for a snack and some coffee. When he was a few steps away from the other curb something slammed into his back with such force that he landed on the sidewalk and rolled into the brick front of the building._

_“What the hell?!?!” Dean sat up ready for a fight, he was pissed. His Walkman was busted again and he didn’t take kindly to being bowled over._

_Sitting next to him was a slightly older man with a torn suit jacket out of breath. “I’m sorry, I yelled but you couldn’t hear me.” Cas motioned to the headphones that laid sprawled on the sidewalk._

_“SO WHAT THE FUCK WAS SO IMPORTANT?!?!?!” Dean was standing and brushin off his now even more ripped jeans. Cas merely gestures at the scene in front of them, there was a black SUV sitting partially on top of and inside the blue Honda Dean had been standing next to._

_“I figured you didn’t want to be smashed between them if I was mistaken in my assumption forgive me.” Cas at this point had removed his suit jacket, loosened his tie and was rolling up the sleeves to his white button-up shirt._

_“Wow…thanks umm..” Dean waited with the hope that the blue-eyed stranger would fill in the blank._

_“Castiel. Castiel Novak. I hope the fall didn’t cause you any harm. I’m sorry about your Walkman.” Castiel was looking down at the guts of the tape player on the sidewalk with a concerned frown._

_“Castiel, I’m Dean. Don’t worry about it I’m sure I can fix it again, but if you want to make it up to me why don’t you buy me a coffee?” Dean smiled at his own personal hero and turned on the charm, he didn’t want to see a frown on that perfect face._

_“I believe I will Dean.” The smile on Castiels face, shined brighter than the sun._

Dean snapped out of his flashback with a new resolve, Cas had saved him, now he was going to save Cas.

 

“Take me to see Charlie, I need to ask her to do something for me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one ended up a little longer than intended but the story just spilled out and had to be told. Ty_R_Bluent that flashback is just for you :-)


	11. Behind the Curtain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens

“You and I both know that I can’t do that” Jess didn’t even bother to look over at Dean. She shook her head and continued the drive to her home. “Sam would kill me and Cas would get up from his hospital bed to tell me how wrong I was if I took you anywhere but to food and a bed.” Jess took on what could only be defined as a ‘mom voice’ and tilted her head in Deans direction.

 

He knew she was right. He hadn’t slept nor had he eaten since breakfast the day before. Numbly he let Jess pull him out of the car and lead him into the house. Dean was physically present but his mind was working in overdrive with two thoughts, _I’ve got to save Cas_ and _this is all my fault._   So lost in his own inner turmoil he didn’t hear Jess call his name nor see her standing in front of him with a sandwich and the telephone. Only when she set down the plate and snapped her fingers in front of his glazed over eyes did he come back to reality.

 

“Dean……Dean!!” Dean jumped back to get some distance between them but as he was already sitting on the couch all he managed to do was flop back into the blankets Jess already cocooned around him. “huh? Yea…I’m listening, what do you want?” Dean tried to act like he’d been paying attention the whole time knowing he wasn’t fooling anyone but he had to attempt it.

 

Jess held the phone out to him again. “It’s Cas, he’s awake and asking for you, Sam already told him you needed to rest so this was our compromise.” Jess grabbed his hand and thrust the phone into it forcing him into action.

 

“Dean?” Castiels voice was rough as if he’d gargled rocks. “Hey Angel” Deans' voice cracked, he was on the edge of tears. “You still insist on calling me that.” If his voice wasn’t so weak, you’d be able to hear eye roll over the phone. “Well, you’re my guardian angel, Cas” Dean tried a flirty town but he was so busy holding back tears he ended up sounding like a 16yr old girl. “Dean, I can’t talk long but I wanted you to know that I’m awake and ok. Now I want you to do everything Jess says. Don’t make me sick Ellen on you.” Dean knew this was a real threat. Out of town or not Ellen would gladly fly in to give Dean some enforced resting time. “I will Cas. You rest now ok?” There was a bit of a shuffle on the other side of the phone before the call disconnected.

 

Dean sat back on the couch and let Jess get out her baby rabies, she even made him a pie, who was he to deny her this?

 

***

 

Now that Dean had at least heard his voice, Cas knew Dean would stop fighting everyones attempts to take care of him.  Cas sat in his hospital bed staring off into the distance, Sam sitting next to him trying to stay objective as a doctor but supportive like a brother. “Sam I need you to do something for me, we both know that I’m only going to get worse from here, and we both know that no matter what I tell him Dean is going to blame himself. I need you to promise me…” Sam interrupted by putting his hand across Castiels mouth.

 

“No, you're not going to start the farewell speech. You’ve got a long road of recovery to go yes, but you’re not so far gone that its time to plan the funeral. Look, we didn’t want to tell you but after the last time you blacked out, all of us got tested for donor compatibility.” Sams eyes locked on his hands in his lap as he went on with the story of how they all decided to keep it a secret and if any of them were a match he would have received a kidney from an ’anonymous donor’.

 

“Sam I know.” Sams' eyes snapped up to Castiels face in shock. No one would have talked, keeping it a secret was Deans idea and if Dean didn’t want you to know something it was as good as locking the secret in a steel vault 40 meters underground. “I found mail for Dean from the lab office and opened it. I burned them. As far as he knows, his results never came.” Cas turned to Sam with a glare into his very soul. “ _and they never will._ ” The underlying threat was clear.

 

A million questions went through Sams' head, did that mean that Dean was a match? Did Cas not want to be saved? Or was Dean not a match and Cas didn’t want him to feel guilty for it? Was Cas ever going to say anything about the lab results? Either way, only Cas would ever know the answer.

“Ok, Cas.” Sam got up and walked out of the room, he desperately needed coffee and time to wrap his mind around it all.

 

**

 

Back in her small office, Charlie was putting to use her not-so-rusty hacker skills. There had to be someway to fast track Cas on the donor list. She researched donors and the best people to turn to in these situations. Of course, family was the best and most likely option, she had remembered that the ex said Cas was adopted when he was 3 or 4 and barely remembers anything about his family. Charlie dug and found the records that happened to be sealed, but nothing is sealed for Charlie Bradbury, of course after a few keystrokes, she had the whole story. The family tree, the police reports, and the subsequently closed record adoption.

 

“Woah” The only light in the room was the glow from her laptop when the chime of her cell phone startled her from her focus. “What's up dude?” Charlie had just uncovered a mountain of information and maybe even a way to save Cas. Now just to do something with it.

“Yea Sam told me he went back to the hospital as soon as he got you in the car to follow the ambulance.” Dean always did have the uncanny ability to call when Charlie was up to something on a computer. “OK Charlie, we gotta help Cas, I know you don’t like to use your hacker skills much anymore.” _That you know of_ Charlie was thinking it but never said it.  Dean continued on rambling what he felt was a justification for his request.

 

“Dude stop rambling, I already know what you’re about to ask me and just so you can rest, which I’m sure Cas has already insisted you do, its already in the works.

 

A little more research and firewall breaking, she found a name of one person in his birth family, Lucifer Shurley.


	12. Another Day Goes By

Dean woke up from his much-needed nap with Jess standing over him.

“WHAT THE F—“ Deans entire body jerked and he immediately sat up. Jess had been trying to adjust the blanket on him that he kicked off in his sleep. Dean looked at her like she was about to smother him in his sleep. “Geeze Dean calm down, you got tangled in the blanket. I was trying to help you out. “ Jess rolled her eyes and made her way back to the kitchen where she was prepping a pot roast for the oven.

Dean strolled into the kitchen for a glass of water, napping always made him thirsty. “Sorry ‘bout that. By the way, have you seen my phone? I gotta check in on the shop.” Dean was leaning against the counter watching Jess chop the vegetables. He couldn’t help but think of how good a mom Jess was going to make and how Sam was a lucky guy.

“Don’t worry about it, Sam told me you were a spaz years ago.” Jess chuckled. She was finally sliding the roast into the oven and set the timer. Dinner tonight was going to be awesome, of course, he had to stick around for that. “Your phones plugged up over there on the counter, its been beeping for like the last hour.”

Dean walked over and looked through his messages and missed calls, Charlie had been trying to get ahold of him for hours, there must be something up with the shop. “Hey Jess looks like Charlie is having a meltdown, I gotta get back to the shop!!” Dean yelled up the stairs so his sister-in-law would know he hadn’t disappeared. Jess came back down with a determined look on her face.

“There are two things wrong with that statement Dean, one, you didn’t drive here and your precious baby is back at your house, two..” Jessica’s voice instantly became louder at this point.” HOW IN THE HELL CAN YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT GOING INTO WORK RIGHT NOW?!?!?”

Dean knew the point she was trying to make, his husband was currently in the hospital, and would be until he got a transplant and he was trying to run off and be a grease monkey. He didn’t know how to make her understand that he needed to _do something_. Cas he couldn’t fix, well not until he found out if he was a match, but cars, cars he could fix. 

“Jess I can’t let the business die, Cas would kill me if I didn’t take care of everything while he was sick.” Dean tried his best impression of Sams puppy-dog eyes. “All-right Winchester put on your shoes I’ll take you to your baby so you can go into the auto shop.” Jess rolled her eyes and walked off to grab her purse and sandals.

 

***

 

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!!!!” Charlie was practically vibrating at her desk; she had spent the entire night finding every stitch of information she could find. If she was right she had just found a living blood relative of Castiels. If they were lucky he would maybe even be willing to be tested for the transplant, if not she could at least give Cas back this little piece of his past.

 

The information that she found wasn’t much and it wasn’t too promising, but it was something. She had found police records, records from juvenile detention and records from a mental institution.

 

Dean walked into the shop looking a little disheveled but better than she had expected, mainly because she hadn’t expected to see him at all. Cas went into the hospital yet again so she had passed off his work to the other guys.

 

“Hey Charlie, what’s on my schedule for today? I need to get elbow deep in some grease.” Dean was acting like it was just another day and nothing was wrong. Charlie knew that wasn’t the truth but she also knew how her surrogate brother worked, he couldn’t fix Cas, but cars, cars he could fix. Any sense of being useful would be good for him right now.

 

“Hey bossman wasn’t expecting you so I parceled out your work but I’m sure the guys won't mind you taking it all back, although they might start to miss the overtime pay.” Charlie winked from over her coffee cup.

“Good there’s nothing more satisfying than hearing that engine purr after I’ve put it back together.” Dean leaned against Charlies’ desk picking at some of the papers in front of her. Charlie turned around to the big board she used to keep all the workers informed of what cars were on their list to complete for the day. While she was deep in reorganizing and distributing the work, “Hey Charlie…..Who’s Lucifer Shurley?” Deans voiced peeped up from behind her. “And why do you have a file on his entire life???” Deans eyes were still scanning over all the information as Charlie turned around trying to think up an excuse but she knew it was too late, by the look on his face he’d already seen the family tree.

“Ok so don’t get mad, I know when I started working here, we agreed that my dark computer skills needed to take a backseat but I’m using my powers for good here.” Charlie walked over to the desk with her hands up in a surrendering posture. “I decided that since I couldn’t be a donor for Cas, I would track down someone who possibly could, starting with his family, which it turns out, is not _all_ dead. That’s his older brother, who seems to be a bit….” Charlie searched for the right word..”Mental.” Dean wanted to be mad at Charlie for the hacking, the invasion of privacy and going behind his back to do it all, but he had already planned to ask her to do it anyway.

 

Dean chuckled putting his sister at ease, “I was going to ask you to do it anyway, you just beat me to the punch. I’m gonna get changed, which car is mine?” Dean sauntered off towards the locker room so he could put on his blue jumpsuit and start working on cars.

 

**

 

Sam sat in his office looking over Castiels file for the 5th time that day. Matching a donor should not be this hard, Castiels blood type was AB meaning he could receive an organ from anyone, but it was at the tissue type test things always fell apart and the kidney always went to someone else. Sam wanted to scream, none of their friends matched, and Cas’s glaring threat along with Deans burned results meant he couldn’t even think to go there.

 

A knock broke his train of thought.” Dr. Winchester, your favorite patient is requesting your presence.” Sam nodded and closed the file, maybe he could convince Cas to at least allow him to look at the results if he promised not to do anything with them.

 

“Hey, I hear you were looking for me.” Sam poked his head in the room not wanting to interrupt Missouri while she was talking, no one ever wanted to be on her bad side. “Now you take better care of yourself boy.”  Missouri hugged Cas and nodded at Sam as she walked out of the room.

 

“Sam, how is Dean? We both know how he can get when things get……complicated.” Cas had to choose his words wisely, even though Dean wasn’t there he knew he still wouldn’t want the conversation to seem like anything emotional or in his words ‘chick-flick’. Sam chuckled a bit, yea that was his brother alright. “I talked to Jess a little while ago, Dean actually went to the shop, she thinks he’s in denial, but I know he just needs to feel useful right now.”

 

Sams' eyes started to trail around the room, he went from the machines to the small tv in the corner, some flowers that had been brought by and down to his hands in his lap, anything but Cas for what he was about to say. “So uh, you know with your blood type you can receive a donation from practically anybody right? It’s the tissue typing that’s making it take a while.” Sams eyes locked on to the tv, Dr. Sexy reruns, he couldn’t help but chuckle. It was like Dean was around even when he wasn't.

 

“Sam I’ve barely been on the registry for a kidney donation, not even a full month, stop talking like I’m on my last lung and gasping for air.” Cas laid his head back on his pillow, people had started treating him like he was going to die any second, but they would get pissed if behaved that way. “Wow man, here you are laying in a hospital bed, hooked to monitors, and you’re the one comforting me. We just can't imagine losing you, none of us can. The faster we get you better, the faster we can all get better together." 


	13. The World Keeps Turning

Another day goes by, another treatment for Cas, another car for Dean to get lost under, another kidney goes to a different person in need. Sam is sitting in his office wringing his hands trying to figure out another way to help. Charlie keeps unsuccessfully trying to hack into Lucifer’s medical records, if she could just get in, she could add a testing request without actually having to make the trip to his psych ward.

 

“Dean come to the lobby” the speaker in the garage squeals with Charlie’s voice. It's not often that he gets paged to the front must be something important. He put away the tools he was working with and grabbed an oil rag in an attempt to clean at least some of the mess off of his hands.

 

Charlie is leaning on the desk talking with what looks like a new client. Dean sized him up before he got to the desk, short, animated and he looks like he’s trying to flirt with Charlie, Dean chuckles thinking how bad this guy is wasting his time. Must be some spoiled rich guy who’s too concerned over their car.

 

“Dean, this is….” Charlie turned around to get the name off of the paperwork behind her.

“As far as you’re concerned I’m Willy Wonka.” The man stuck his hand out to Dean. “I’m having a problem with my classic car and word in town is you are the best with classics.” The brown man popped a cherry sucker in his mouth that seemed to come out of nowhere. Charlie was already back in her seat behind the desk trying not to laugh at Deans reaction to the man.

 

“All…..right….” Dean was hesitant at best. “So… tell me what kind of car you’ve got and what’s wrong with it. “Dean rolled his eyes at Charlie as he followed this eccentric man out to the parking lot. Walking into the parking lot, he was pleasantly shocked, the short man stopped in front of a bright blue barracuda with silver striping down the sides “So, here she is, I know it's not much but it’s the first car I ever bought and I’m not ready to let it go. So the problem is a rattle sound in the turns.” He handed over the keys and headed back to the lobby so Dean could take it for a test drive.

 

“So Charlie, it is Charlie, right? You seem way too…high tech for a place like this, so how did they rope you in?” He sat on the edge of the desk and offered her some strawberry licorice while his eyes seemed to be scanning the papers on her desk looking for something.  “Well, I don’t think that much your business.” Charlie barely looked up from her computer screen, if this was him trying to flirt, he was seriously wasting his time.

“Dean will be right back from the test drive if you have any more questions I’m sure he’ll be happy to help you.” Charlie picked up all the files on her desk, making sure to tuck Lucifers in the middle, locked the computer and walked back to Deans office, she couldn’t get any work done with that creeper hovering over her every keystroke. Something about him was off, yea he was sugar high, but anyone who carried that much candy in their pockets had to be. There was just something not right about him, and she couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

 

***

 

The only thing Castiel had to look forward to these days were the walks he would take with Missouri, she was the only one who didn’t treat him like a dying man. She talked to him like he was any other person.

 

 “I don’t know how you put up with them and all their craziness Castiel, if I were you I would’ve run off by now.“ Missouri wrapped her arm in Cas’ and let him towards the garden. It was his favorite place in the whole complex. “If I ran off then who would you talk to Missouri?” Cas had a small smirk on his lips, they were getting to his favorite part of the garden, these flowers and bushes seemed to attract butterflies and bumblebees. “Do we have time to sit for a while? I know you have other patients I’d hate to deprive them of your wonderful spirit.” Missouri ushered him to the stone bench not too far away. “Now boy if I didn’t have time to sit I wouldn’t bring you out here. You ask me every day and I’ll tell you the same thing every day. I always have time for you.” She waved her hand silencing any further argument from him. They sat in silence and watched nature for a while.

 

“Cas? There you are I went to your room looking for you, I should’ve known you’d be down here.” Sam came strolling up to the pair. “I just talked to Dean he said he’s coming to see you a little earlier than usual today so he wanted to know what you would like him to bring for dinner. I figure one unhealthy meal couldn’t hurt so no restrictions, the sky’s the limit.” Sam handed Cas his cell phone so that he could text Dean.

 

 **Cas:** _I’d like our favorite from our place_ J

 **Dean:** _You got it Angel ;-)_

 

“You know I wouldn’t believe it if I didn’t see it with my own eyes, you’ve got that man wrapped around your finger.” Missouri couldn’t help but chuckle to herself. “Come on let’s get you back to your room, don’t want you too worn out for your husband.” Missouri went to help Cas up when Sam grabbed his arms for assistance. “I’ll walk him back Missouri.” Sam gave her a gentle smile as she went on her way.

 

“Cas, so don’t be mad at me but I looked into your records and I noticed that you were adopted, do you know anything about your birth family?” Sam was trying to broach the subject gently.

 

“Nothing, I was adopted so young, I barely remember their faces. I know what you’re getting at Sam and it’s a waste of your time. From what I’ve been told there was some tragic accident that I survived and my parents didn’t.” Cas wouldn’t turn to look Sam in the eye, he just wanted to get back to his room and wait for the highlight of his day when his husband would come and spend time with him.

 

**

“Hey sweetheart” Dean ran his fingers through Cas hair to gently wake him from his nap. As Cas opened his eyes he grinned as he was being greeted by his two favorite things Dean and food from the roadhouse.

“Double bacon cheeseburger with onion rings just like you wanted.” Dean points at the food as he laid it out on the table next to him. “If I wasn’t afraid of Missouri I would’ve brought you a beer, but given the circumstances, I like all of my appendages right where they are.” With a smile, only Dean could give he leaned down kissing Cas with all the words he couldn’t say.

 

“Probably a good call, I like all of your _appendages_ where they are as well.” Cas couldn’t help but chuckle. “Dean we need to talk.” Cas took a moment to sit up completely in the bed and fold his hands in his lap. “No, no we don’t. Right now we need to enjoy a relaxing evening eating the best burgers in town and….” Dean reached down into his bag and pulled out a DVD ” watching this documentary I picked up for you on bees.”

 

Cas could see it in his eyes, the longer he stayed sick the more this wore on his husband and the less he would be willing talk about it. Deciding that one more day couldn’t hurt, maybe Dean would be more open to the discussion after a night of relaxation. Judging by the bag he brought with him, he planned to stay the night, which was fine with Castiel. Cas moved the table over his bed and enjoyed his dinner side by side with his husband. Dean was tucked in the bed beside him and out like a light and snoring 20 minutes into the documentary, Castiel sighed and basked in the moment, it was almost like they were at home again.


	14. Plans in the Making

Charlie sat back in her chair at her desk, she hadn’t moved Dean’s schedule yet cause he promised he’d be in. Looking at the clock, he was running late but she decided to give him another 20 minutes to show up before giving away his jobs for the day.

“Hey Red” Dean Sauntered through the door with a box of donuts and a large carrier for specialty coffee. “I decided the shop could use something different today, so I give you …..cronuts!!” Dean flipped open the box with pride.

“Dean where on earth did you get these?” Charlie sat up trying to decide which flavor she would sample first. “For a man that says he’s all about the classics, you certainly keep up with the trends when it comes to food.” Charlie giggled mid-bite. “Oh my god!! So good!!” Charlie looked for the emblem on the side of the box, she had to pick up her own from now on, one was not going to be enough.

“Whatever Charlie, I got them at the new bakery that opened up a couple blocks from here. I spent the night at the hospital with Cas, and I figured if I was going to come late I better keep the queen happy.” Dean walked over to his office to check what paperwork he had waiting for him on his desk. Not too much out of the ordinary, some order forms, payroll, random contract, shipping paperwork.  Checking his email, he had a new one from ‘ _Candyman’_ he didn’t think twice before he clicked on it, probably another prank by his brother.

Every computer on the network immediately went berserk. “DEAN WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO????” Charlie yelled from the front desk running in the office. By the time she got back to the office, everything seemed to be back to normal. Dean wouldn’t have noticed if she hadn’t yelled.

“Great whatever you touched, just gave us some kind of virus!!” Charlie was leaned over the desk pressing keys on Deans computer. ”I’ll fix it but you’re paying me overtime for this, and now you’re my handmaiden for my next LARP event.” Charlie stood in his doorway with her arms folded over her chest. She knew he couldn’t argue, she could demand anything and he’d have to give in. Dean rolled his eyes, “Whatever you want Charlie just fix it please?” Charlie sighed, “Fine Winchester. I gotta go get my laptop but I’ll be back in less than an hour.”

 

***

 

“yea I knew I could count on you for this. Goodbye”

 

Sam walked in on the tail end of a conversation Cas was having on his cellphone. Bounding in like a happy puppy he carried in a bowl of fruit and some yogurt for his favorite brother-in-law. “Morning Cas. How’s it going today? I’ve got some time before I have to start my rounds so I figured I could spend it with you.” Sam sat down in the chair next to the bed and started sipping his own coffee after putting the things for Cas on his tray.

 

“Hey Sam. Thanks for stopping by, I can only watch so much Jenny Jones or Dr. Sexy reruns.” Cas chuckled to himself, he only watched the show because Dean loved it so much he had no choice but to develop a fondness for the medical show. The silence that hung between them, heavy with curiosity, Sam really wanted to ask about what he had heard, but maybe it wasn’t his place and that’s not what he was here for.

 

“Yea I know what you mean, so Jess wants to know when you’ll stop turning down her attempts to come up here and baby you.” Sam and Cas knew it was the last thing standing between her and convincing Sam that they are ready for a baby. “You know Sam, it’ll be easier for all of us if you just give in, you’re going to be a great father.” Sam looked down into his lap, his insecurities starting to surface. “That’s what everybody says but I don’t know. I mean what if I mess up? I didn’t exactly have the best example.” Sam always had the fear of turning out like.. _HIm_..he couldn’t risk it. “Hmm, I don’t know Sam. From everything you and Dean have told me, some people would argue that you had the best example. Dean.” Cas went back to his bowl of yogurt and fruit letting the words sink in for Sam

 

“Besides, Jess always gets what she wants, I heard she’s already started picking colors for the nursery.” Cas couldn’t help but smirk since he was the one who helped her figure out the whole design. She had already started stashing some of the bedding and wall decorations at his house Dean didn’t even know.

 

“Jeeze, you’re not gonna help me with this at all are you?” Sam chuckled and checked his watch. Cas just shook his head no.” If I help you, then how am I gonna claim my spot as best uncle?” This was a daily debate between Cas and Dean over who would end up being the favorite uncle. Jess kept telling them both they would be loved equally but of course, neither of them could accept that.  “Well, I’m glad to see you are doing alright, Missouri should be in soon to check on you.” Sam stood up to start his rounds and visit other patients. There was something about spending that short half-hour with Cas that renewed his spirits.

Sam walked out of the room knowing two things, Cas was going to be just fine and he was clearly about to have a baby, he just needed to stop being in denial and get to the fun part.

After Sam left Cas knew even more what he had to do. Missouri walked in while he was lost in his thoughts. “Honey you look like your mind is going a mile a minute.” She went on taking his vitals and checking the readouts on all of his monitors. “Missouri, I’ve heard the statement ‘it is better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission’ do you believe it is true?” Missouri finished writing down her notes on the clipboard at the foot of his bed. “Boy, what kind of stupid are you planning?” She was never one to sugar coat anything. Always told it like it was, that’s why she is the best person to talk to about his idea.

“It's not stupid, its logic.” Cas tried to defend himself without giving away his idea. “Well I’ve heard the statement but that’s not always the way it works out. Do I need to remind you of that husband of yours?” Missouri didn’t have time to stay just yet, she started towards the door but left behind one good piece of advice. “Castiel? Whatever you’re thinking of doing, try and imagine Dean doing the same to you and think of how you would react. I’ll be back around lunch for our walk.” Missouri always had a way of being deep but only saying a few words.

 

**

\--Somewhere in Northern California --

“Doctor? Here’s the blood sample from patient Shurley for the test you requested.” A small blonde nurse holds up a few labeled vials of blood. 

“Test? Umm sure just go ahead and take it to the lab. I’ll check the results later.” The doctor barely looked up from his newspaper.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering what the nursery design is..
> 
> https://projectnursery.com/projects/emalines-elephant-nursery/


	15. Pieces Falling into Place

It took Charlie a little while, but she found the virus, fixed the firewall and restored everything the virus touched. Charlie checked over all of her files and any new info that happened to find its way into her hard drive. The only thing new was Lucifers test results. “Shit, he’s not a match either.” Charlie hadn’t told anyone she was having him tested and it worked in her favor, now she was the only one to be disappointed. She hadn’t noticed the picture she kept on her desk of Dean and Cas was gone.

  
Dean felt like an idiot but he held up his part of the deal, Charlie was paid overtime and he was getting his costume together for a weekend spent being her handmaiden.  
When the agreement was made there were 2 months before the next event, he blinked and now its 2 weeks away. “Do I really have to do this?” Dean whined while trying securing the belt around his waist. “Deals a deal boss man, besides, I think you look kind of good this way. We should take a pic and send it to Cas. Ooh, I know!! We can print it as big as a poster for him.” Charlie pushed Dean in front of the full-length mirror in hopes of ending his pouting. “You’re right, I do look good. But then again I look good in anything.” Dean straightened up and pushed out his chest. “Geeze, I don’t think we have enough room in here for that ego.”

  
**

  
Cain sat at the end of Cas bed and listened to his reasoning. It was sound, logical and simple making it hard to argue with his patient. “Castiel as your doctor, I can see you’ve done your research and I can see the logic in your argument, you’re tired of being in the hospital and you just want it to end. I’ve looked at your test results and this is an option, quite honestly a very good one.” Cain stood up and put away his notebook. He walked over to the side of the bed and grabbed Castiels hand. “As your friend, and I do feel like over these past months we’ve become friends, doing it this way is a crazy idea that I’m sure no one is going to understand being left out of until its too late. I will do as you ask, and put you on my schedule, I’ll be back in two weeks and we’ll put an end to this.” Cain squeezed Castiels hand stood and headed for the door.

 

**

  
Sam and Jess walked down the hall with some exciting news!! They were going to share the news with everyone but Sam just had to tell someone, since Cas wouldn’t be able to come to the party, they agreed that he would get to be the first to know.

  
“Cain, I didn’t know you were here working today.” Sam paused after seeing the doctor pass him in the hallway.  
“I was in town on business and I decided to stop by and check in on our friend here, gotta make sure to keep his spirits up.” Cain gave Jess a smile as he continued on his way. “Hmm..that was weird don’t you think?” Sam looked over at Jess wondering if she got the same vibe that he did. Jess waved at a few nurses before she answered: “Not at all, everybody loves Cas, there’s always somebody visiting him these days.” “Yea he is a popular one.” Missouri chimed in from behind them causing Sam to jump. He always swore that woman was magic in some way, but never said it aloud. Missouri was the only woman Sam feared as much as Ellen.

  
“Hey, Missouri Sam and I are just on our way to visit Cas. It feels like it's been so long since I’ve seen him.” Sam rolled his eyes, its only been about 4 days since Jess was able to visit Castiel and baby him. “Well don’t let me hold you up, go on and share the good news with him, it’ll brighten his day.” Missouri just winked and walked away.  
“How does she do that?!?” Jess asked Sam as they were stepping in the door of Castiels room. “I told you she’s magic or something.” Sam shrugged.

Cas looked up from the book he was reading over the new flowers in the hospital garden. Maybe he could….no he wasn’t going to think about the future, just enjoy the present.

“Cas sweetie, how are you doing this morning? I see you’re buried in books on flowers and bees.” Jess took the seat next to his bed while Sam remained standing at the foot.  
Cas chuckled marking his page and pushing his stack of books to one side. “Well, you know me, Jess, it doesn’t matter where I am as long as I have a good book about flowers and bees.“ He used the controls on the side of the bed to sit up even further. Cas eyed Sam as he was shifting from one foot to the other and fidgeting, Cas could tell there was something he wanted to talk about, and he was about to burst.

“So Sam, what has got you so antsy?” Castiels eyes shifted between the two and before the words could even get out of Sams’ mouth, the smile on Jessica’s face gave the secret away. “Oh my god you’re pregnant!!!” Jess jumped up and wrapped Cas in a big hug practically climbing into his lap. Sam came around and engulfed both of them with his moose arms. “I’m so happy for the two of you!! So am I the first to find out?” Cas had his suspicions but he needed it confirmed so he didn’t accidentally spill the beans.  
Jess sat back down in her chair and looked to Sam for the answer. “Well, actually beside us…” “And Missouri” Jess chimed in. “yes and Missouri you’re the only person to know. We wanted to tell you because Jess let me in on the secret plans for the nursery that you’ve helped her put together and we only felt it was fair.” Sam gave the two conspirators a glare but there was no heat behind it.  
“Well, I feel really special. So, have you two figured out how you’re going to share the news with everyone else?” Neither Jess or Sam answered both just shrugged. “I know I want it to be fun kind of like a ‘surprise we’re having a baby’ party. Any suggestions?” Jess looked at either of the guys.

  
“Well, how about a party? You guys always have barbecues and it has been a while since you had one so it won’t seem too out of the ordinary and no one's going to suspect a thing.” Castiel let the suggestion roll around in their minds. “Two weeks from now is a holiday weekend so most people should be off work anyway. It’s a perfect time.” Jess started bouncing with excitement. “That is perfect!!! I can’t believe its really happening! Two weeks, so much needs to be done, Sam I’m gonna go you take good care of our boy here okay?” Jess stood and kissed Sam before grabbing her purse and walking out of the door. 

“Sam are you okay?” Cas noticed the uneasy look on Sams' face. He’s normally very level headed but his insecurities are getting the best of him. “Cas man, I don’t know. How am I going to do this? I don’t know how to be a dad.” Sam sat in the now empty chair and put his face in his hands. “Sam, you are going to be a great dad. You’re compassionate, smart, strong and loving. You will be just fine.” A reassuring hand on his shoulder helped sooth his current insecurities. Sam looked up at his brother-in-law and smiled, somehow Cas always knows the right things to say. “Thanks, Cas, I’m sure Missouri will be here soon for you and I’ve got to get started on my rounds.” Sam stood up giving Cas one more hug before leaving the room.

Cas sat back and thought about his life. Everything was coming together. Everybody would be at the party in two weeks, meaning he wouldn’t have to worry about anyone showing up at the hospital. 

Two weeks.


	16. This Might Hurt

“Hey, how are you doing I’m Dr. Loki.” A short brown haired doctor walked into Cas’ room as he was ending a phone call with Jess.

“Hello, doctor Loki.” Cas shook his hand while looking at the doctor oddly wondering what kind of doctor walks around with a sucker in his mouth while he deals with patients. “I’m an associate of Dr. Mullen. I’ll be here with him and I just needed to go over your files and make sure we had everything correct before we proceed.”

The doctor opened up the file in his hand pulling out a candy-themed pen from his pocket. He mumbled over a few things that didn’t need Castiels input. “Whats your blood type?”

“AB negative”

“ok, now we seem to have a big blank for family history.” Dr. Loki looked up at Cas with arched eyebrows. “Yes, I don’t know anything about my medical history because I was adopted at a young age.” Cas rarely ever admitted this fact as he considered his adoptive family, the Novaks, to be his only family. “And what, if anything, do you know about your birth family?” At this point, the doctor put down his pen and the file, clearly more interested in the answer than notation.

“Well, all that my parents would ever tell me is that I was saved from a dire situation and given a second chance at life, that I shouldn’t waste it. When I got older and tried to look into it all I could find was a bunch of dead ends. I don’t even remember them, beyond the occasional random dream. Sometimes I would wonder why no one ever came looking for me, but then again if they did, maybe I wouldn’t have the life I do now.” Cas shifted back into his bed, staring off into nothing as he explained his story. He had no reason to be spilling his heart out to a random doctor but it all just came spilling out, at least someone would know.

 

Gabriel sat there staring at the brother that made it out. He wasn’t broken or destroyed like him or Luci. He walked into this room with the purpose of telling Castiel who he was, and where he came from. Lucifer their older brother at a young age had a psychological meltdown and in his moment of insanity had killed their parents, hospitalized Gabriel and almost suffocated Castiel. Gabriel had protected him until the police arrived. Lucifer was living his days out in a mental institute in Florida. Castiel was blessed not to remember the ordeal. After looking into his blue eyes and listening to that speech he knew it was best left unsaid

 

Clearing his throat, he went back to the file. “Oh Okay, umm it also says here that you’re an organ donor, with the exception of your heart?” He didn’t know such distinctions could be made.

“That is correct, my husband already has my heart, I feel like it would be wrong to give it to someone else.” What should have been a very sweet sentiment hung heavy in the room.

 

“Wow, umm ok well that’s all we need for the files. Next time I see you, I’ll be in scrubs.” Gabe stood up and walked away from his baby brother determined to save him if it was the last thing he did.

 

**

 

Deans whole day at the auto shop was filled with personally servicing police cruisers. He was thankful for the distraction, it helped burn time until he could run home and shower then go visit his angel. Everyday wore on Dean as he watched Castiel slowly deteriorate, he’d never let Cas see how bad it affected him though. Jess told him last week when she invited him to their barbeque for the holiday that he needed to stay strong, even if it was only in front of Cas.

 

“Hey Cas, I brought you something” Dean strolled through the door with doctor-approved treats in hand. He glanced over at the tv noticing yet another documentary about butterflies playing. There was no way this was a new one so Cas probably had already memorized every fact by now since he didn’t have the sound on.

 

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel had just gotten resettled from his second walk of the day with Missouri, he may not be able to walk for as long due to his lack in stamina but he still enjoyed his opportunity to get out of the room for more than just repetitive tests.

 

“Jess came by earlier, she is so excited for the party and needed some menu suggestions. She’ll never get my potato salad recipe out of me, but it's amusing to watch her try.” Cas chuckled to himself as he surveyed the desserts laid out in front of him. “Are all of these for me? Surely you don’t expect me to eat it all.” Cas looked over at his husband who was relaxed in the chair with his feet propped up on the end of his bed.

 

“Of course not, but we haven’t had the sweets from the new bakery that opened up down the street so I wanted to give you options. Don’t worry I’ll make sure nothing goes to waste.” Dean was snacking on his second tartlet at this point absent-mindedly flipping through a magazine that Jess had left in the room earlier that week. “Oh, I almost forgot” Dean reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a ziplock bag that held two pb&j cookies. Contraband. “Jess told me to make sure you get these. I'm guessing they're a bribe.” Cas loved the smile on his husbands face, almost childlike.

 

It was moments like these that Castiel would try to focus on every part of Dean, the sparkle in his emerald eyes when he was up to no good, the lines around his mouth that only form in a true smile. His strong jaw. His broad shoulders that broadcast his feelings. Muscular arms wrapped in his favorite grey Henley. His physique clearly from hard work. Calloused hands that are amazing working out tense shoulder muscles.

 

“Cas?”

 

“Cas?”

 

“Huh? Oh, I’m sorry Dean I was lost in my thoughts for a moment there, what were you saying?” Cas looked up realizing Deans hand was waving in his face.

“I was asking you what you thought of the treats, the baker said they used honey instead of sugar. The mini pies are great.” Dean sat back in his chair next to the bed, with another tart in hand. “Those.” Cas pointed in Deans direction. “are actually called tartlets, but yes from what I’ve tried these are pretty good.” The rest of their night went about the same, random conversation that covered just about everything from Deans impending foray into the world of LARPing.

_“I can’t believe she's making me actually do it.”_

_“A deal is a deal Dean”_

To the bee documentary DVD that Missouri brought Cas earlier that day.

_“Bees are more important than you know Dean”_

_“Whatever you say Angel, as long as they don’t sting me I don’t care.”_

 

It was almost time for Dean to leave since he had to be back at work early the next morning but Cas decided that he wanted Dean to stay. “I know you’ll probably be gone by the time I wake up but I want to fall asleep with you next to me.” Dean couldn’t say no to his angel. They cut the lights off and snuggled close in the small bed.  “I love you Dean, please forgive me” Cas whispered knowing his husband was already asleep.

**

 

“Cas!! The barbeque is tomorrow, and it just won't be the same without you….or your potato salad. You see for mine I put a little dry mustard, celery seed, red onion….white onion??....“ Jess was spending her day with Cas since she had everything planned and he was the only other person she could talk to about the baby.

 

“Jess…I’m married to Dean and have known Sam for years, sorry but I’m immune to puppy eyes.” Cas couldn’t help but laugh at her attempt to pull his recipe out of him. “ So now that you’ve put Sam on the job of putting together all of the things you’ve bought for the nursery, have you guys started talking names?” Cas had his arm hooked with hers as they strolled towards the outside garden.

 

“Well… not really, we’ve talked about a few options but we haven’t come up with any strong contenders. Got any suggestions?” Jess was looking off watching a bird in a nearby tree. Cas took the moment to take in her natural beauty, this would be the last time he saw it. The tears started to well up in his eyes before Jess could turn around Cas swept away the one escaped tear.

 

“Hmm just trust your instincts. I’m sure you and Sam will come up with the perfect name for your baby.” Castiel was disheartened to know that he’d never know their name, never hold them in his arms, never hear the baby giggle. But he’s doing what needs to be done. He can’t let them all suffer through watching him slowly die when he could do something about it.

 

**

 The morning of the big day came just like any other in the hospital, the nurses making their rounds. Daily checking of vitals while he did his exercises. The world outside seemed to know what was to come. The previously forecasted hot and sunny day was cloudy dreary. No birds sang their songs. No butterflies fluttered in the garden. Castiels mood was just as glum when he was alone in his room. He spent his morning writing letters he intended to be left behind for each of the important people in his life.  

 

Missouri stepped into the doorway of his room

“Castiel, I know you think this is what you have to do but …” She sighed and sat down next to him. Missouri grabbed on to his hands and squeezed, a rare moment that not even she had the words. At this point he didn’t waste time trying to figure out how she knew things anymore, he just accepted it.

 

“I know Missouri, I know. But this way, I can save other people.” Cas thought he would be anxious or even in denial when this day came, but he wasn’t. He was serene. Resolute in what was going to and had to happen. “I can’t put them through this rollercoaster of heartache when I know I can end it. Make sure they get these when I go back for surgery?”

 

“Alright, Castiel I can do that.” Missouri picked up the stack of envelopes and walked out of the door, tears falling down her cheeks.

 

**

 

Cas watched the clock, time ticking away.

 

“Knock, Knock” Cain walked into the door, in his scrubs which was an unusual sight. “Are you sure that you want to go through with this?”  Cain held his file in his hands. “Yes, I’ve made up my mind, this is the best option even if it's not _my_ best option.” Cas readjusted the blanket on his legs.

 

“Alright then, I believe you met my associate, Dr. Loki, already? He will be assisting. Let’s get this show on the road.” Cain walked over taking the locks off of the wheels on Cas bed and wheeled him out of the room.

 

When they reached the O.R. Cas looked around and noted a number of nurses standing by a number of coolers. They were truly ready for him.

 

Dr. Loki walked up to a machine next to him and asked if he had a preferred scent or flavor that he wanted to drift off to. “Well, I highly doubt you have it but if you have honey… I’d greatly enjoy it.”

 

Dr. Loki smiled and flipped a few switches. “Well, I’m the only candy obsessed doctor around that just so happens to have it. He pulled an oxygen mask over Cas face and the aroma of fresh honey took over his senses. “Breathe deep for me Castiel and Godspeed.”

 

Castiel peacefully drifted into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't Be mad at me


	17. The Final Steps

“I can’t believe he would just do something like this!! I knew he was stubborn but I didn’t think he would go and do anything like this!! I just want him to come back to me” Dean didn’t even bother keeping up his tough façade. Tears streamed down his face while they sat in the hospital room, Cas’ letter clutched in his hand.

 

“The doctors said it’s a new experimental surgery, and his body is responding well, even if it doesn’t work we will find another way. I just wish he would’ve told me. I’m supposed to be his doctor.” Sam looked over the prone body lying in the bed. Yes, he was a doctor and he knew how not to get attached to patients but that rule didn’t apply to his brother in law.

“Do you think that it worked? Do you think he will be happy when he wakes up?” Jess sat close to the window trying to contain her emotion.

Cas realized this wasn’t a dream he was still here and could hear his family around him.  
Someone is holding his hand it must be Dean. Someone is crying that’s definitely Jess.

Cas slowly opened his eyes, he was back in his room but surrounded by everyone. Dean, Sam, Jess, Missouri, Charlie, even Bobby, and Ellen are there.

“He’s waking up!!” Dean is immediately standing at his side. “Cas? Cas baby please say something.” It was so quiet in that room you could hear a fly sneeze.

“Dean? What….what am I doing here?” His voice still raspy from intubation. Almost immediately he was cocooned in Deans arms. “Don’t you ever do anything like that again angel.” Dean kissed Cas on the forehead and peppered any part of his face he could find with kisses.

Sam pressed the call button on the wall to let someone know that Castiel had woken up.

 

“Alright everyone please go make a trip to the cafeteria and let me check over my patient. You too Dean.” Cain stepped up to the other side of the bed and began checking vitals. Everyone either waved or tapped Castiels feet before they walked out of the room. As if they needed the concrete proof that he was still alive. Dean looked like he couldn’t manage to let go, eventually, Jess and Charlie walked up to him on either side and walked him out the door.

“How….” Cas looked down at the bandages wrapped around his torso, he felt sore on both sides. “What happened? I wasn’t supposed to…” Cain knew exactly what he was trying to say.

“Well Castiel, as your doctor I’m allowed to make executive decisions for you during surgery, especially when I deem the surgery unnecessary. As your friend, I have grown quite fond of having you around as many people are.” Cain spent the next half hour explaining how Cas was now part of an experimental study where only the bad parts of his kidneys had been removed and the remaining functioning parts were completed using the 3D printed organic material. Which if all went according to plan, would mean with some changes to his diet, he could make a full recovery and no more dialysis.

“I know this is not what we discussed Castiel but it was what I felt was needed to be done in the best interest of my patient. As well as I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder knowing Dean Winchester is coming after me.”

Cain smiled and Cas slightly chuckled at that thought. Dean had the biggest heart of anyone he’d ever known but when his husband was angry, it was almost like the wrath of God.

“You and I both know there are a multitude of conversations that need to be had, but I’m going to do you a favor and send everyone home. Your vitals are great, you are responding to the treatment well. You’re on your way to recovery.” Cain turned to walk to the door only then realizing that Dr. Loki had been standing there the entire time. He didn't utter a word, he wasn't even eating candy, he locked eyes with Castiel nodded his head and walked out.

 _Was he crying?_  Cain didn't seem to notice.

 

Dean was the only one to come back to the room that night.

“Cas…” Dean sat next to the bed searching for the words clinging to his husband's hand as solid proof that Cas was in fact still with him. “Please can you, can you at least tell _me_ why?” Deans emerald eyes glistened with unshed tears.

“Dean I… I know there is no excuse for what I tried to do or how I tried to do it but I was just so tired of stressing everyone out. I just wanted to not be a burden to everyone, life needed to move on. I figured at least this way, some good would come out of it. I know it was wrong to purposely plan this for while you were all otherwise occupied.” Green eyes locked with blue and the small speech Cas had written in his head was forgotten.

“I can’t believe that you thought this was the best way. I read the letter, _‘I don’t want to hold you back from living your life’_ Cas don’t you dare think that there is anything past or present that I would put in front of you.” Dean ripped the letter to pieces letting it fall to the floor.

“I will find some way to redeem myself to you, Dean.” The words were softly spoken as a single tear fell down his cheek. “I will find a way to redeem myself to everyone else as well.” Cas grabbed Deans hand bringing it close to his chest, the closest he can get to hugging at the moment.

“Stay with me tonight?” Cas wouldn’t look Dean in the eye.  
“Cas you act like I could leave you for even a second right now. I’m not going anywhere, angel.” Dean pulled the small couch next to Cas bed and laid out getting comfortable for the night.

During one of the middle of the night checks by a nurse, they brought Dean a blanket and a pillow.

  
**

3 months later

Cas and Dean were cuddled up on the couch, settled in for their Saturday movie night. “Comfy baby?” Dean pulled his husband even tighter against him. Ever since he came so close to losing the man, he stopped denying his love of cuddling. Anytime Cas wanted to cuddle Dean was right there with a blanket ready for him.

Cas sunk even deeper into the hold. “Yea Dean this is great, what movie did you get for us this time?” Cas was expecting the new Marvel movie, Dean was so determined to educate him on pop culture. “Well, for tonight I figured we can watch a new documentary on bees that I picked up at the library on my way home from the shop.” Cas just basked in the moment. He thought back on how close he had come to ending it all. How close he had come to… he still couldn’t wrap his mind around the word.

“A bee documentary….and are those honey cakes from your new favorite bakery? I feel like there is an ulterior motive here Dean…” Cas smirked back at his husband. “Nope, not at all Cas, I just made a promise to myself ever since…… _that night_ …..I would do whatever I could to show you how much you mean to me, and how much you matter.“ Cas knew that it was still difficult for Dean to discuss.

“I know you love me and I love that you're willing to put up with yet another documentary for me. I don’t care what they say, you’re a big teddy bear, Dean Winchester. Well let’s not put a damper on the mood, tell me how many rock & roll baby names have you suggested to Jess and Sam this week?” The chuckle he felt rumble through Deans chest told him that things were lightening up. “Hey is it my fault that I want my niece or nephew to have an awesome name? I just wish they would tell us which one it is already.”

“You can’t buy your way into a baby’s heart you know that right?” Cas chuckled “Maybe, but I can try, I gotta be #1 uncle.” As the night went on Dean and Cas talked about all the things they could do to spoil the new family addition.

The two of them sat in a comfortable silence watching the rest of the documentary and finishing their treats. “All right, now don’t tell Jess you got it from me, but it’s a boy. They’re going to tell everyone over dinner tomorrow, so act surprised when they announce it.” Jess had already told Cas, she just couldn’t hold on to the secret anymore and had to tell someone. She’d even told him the name they chose, but that…that he had to let be the real surprise.

When the documentary was over Dean lifted a sleeping Cas in his arms and carried him to bed. When he laid Cas down, his shirt lifted just enough to reveal the scars on both sides of his body still red but faded. Dean wished he could have been able to protect his husband from all of the pain, but he never got his test results. He tucked Cas in the blanket before he sat on the bed next to him.

“Cas, if only I could’ve helped you, I could’ve saved you from so much pain. If I were your match, I could’ve saved you months ago.” Dean whispered running his fingers through Castiels raven hair.

Cas in his half-asleep state mumbled out. “You were my match.” He wrapped his arms around Dean.

Dean laid in bed with Cas wrapped around his middle in shock.

**

  
“So everyone, we have an announcement to make” Jess stood at the table while Sam passed out gender reveal cupcakes for everyone. "Just wait a-"

“OH MY GOD IT’S A BOY!!!!!” Charlie had already ripped into her cupcake unable to stand the build up. Everyone shared their congratulations with Jess and Sam while they enjoyed their own gender surprise cupcakes.

  
“Well, that’s not the only thing we have to tell everyone. We’ve already decided on a name. His name will be..” Sam paused to build the suspense. “Robert Dean” Dean practically choked on his beer. His eyes darted back and forth between Jess and Sam searching for a confirmation that what he heard wasn’t his imagination.

“You’re naming him after me? I don’t even know what to say.” Dean was still in shock.  
“Well, I guess we know who wins the best uncle battle.” Cas rubbed his husbands back.

Cas leaned over and whispered to Dean that maybe they should share their news too. Dean nodded in agreement. “Well since we’re sharing good news, Cas and I decided that we are ready to have a baby. Charlie already agreed to be our surrogate.” At Deans announcement even more cheers were heard, hugs were happening everywhere. Jess was in tears.

“You guys are going to be amazing dads.” Jess said as she hugged them both.

"Could you imagine if they have a girl?" Sam was laughing at every scenario that was playing in his mind.

"Hush Sam, if they do she'll be the cutest girl ever. Deans green eyes, with Cas' dark hair. I can see it now." Jess put a hand on Cas shoulders. 

"Yea and the best guarded." Charlie spoke up from her spot at the table.

Everyone laughed at Dean and Cas and their fierce protective natures.

Dean and Cas had been through hell and back, their marriage tested, and now they were embarking on a whole new adventure and starting a family. Life for the Winchesters could only get better.

  
**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now we have come to the end of this emotional rollercoaster. I hope you enjoyed going on this journey with me.

**Author's Note:**

> Im new to writing so any suggestions.... any at all. Please comment critiques and all opinions welcome :)


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